Tuesday, June 4, 2013

There are days...

There are days where I look at the ticker on this blog.

Days when I am so surprised the year is 2013.

Days when I feel like I am still living in 2011. How can it possibly be 2013...

Days that I just cannot believe this is my life.

Days that it still seems so surreal that my child died.

Days when I wonder how this can possibly be my life.

Days when I truly hate the life God has given me.

Days when I am surprised at how few heads are there in the head count.

Days when I can never get the right number of plates on the table.

Days when I am surprised by joy.

Days when I know there was/is a purpose in Eva's life, and her death.

Days when I am so in love with my walking children and in complete gut-wrenching pain that my soaring daughter is not here to hug and to hold.

Days when I wonder if I'll ever get a glimpse of why...

Days when missing her is so all-encompassing I cannot see beyond the pain.

Days when I truly love the life God has given me.

There are days filled with confusion, joy, pain, heartache, gut-wrenching grief, and ultimately, trust.

Through all the days the underlying message is trust. Trust God through the terribleness. Through the grief, the joy, the pain, the confusion, the heartache. Trust God.

Ultimately, what I am saying is that there is no easy way to get through my daily life. No formula, no schedule. Just trust.

 As crazy as it sounds (even to my ears) I am trusting God through the death of my precious Eva.

When it seems humanly impossible to go on then I remember that all things are possible with God. Even me continuing to breathe through these past 21 and a half months.

Impossible but possible.


  1. I know what you mean. I feel like the last 15 months has been a bad dream, that this is Grace in my arms and not her little sister. So many emotions, joy yes, but sorrow too. It sill not okay that Grace is gone, just like it is not okay that Eva is gone and it never will be. We just keep moving forward and some days that is harder than others.

  2. I don't share your religious beliefs, and I've not been walking this "after" path as long as you, but yes, just YES.

  3. I get it. I just do. And I'm so so sorry about your beautiful Eva.

    I popped by after you commented on my RWIA post. Thank you for the love.

    <a href="http://www.thestarsapart.com>www.thestarsapart.com</a>