Saturday, January 30, 2016

I can see it in their eyes.

I can see it in people's eyes. When they hear 2011. Two thousand and eleven. It's soo long ago. Practically another time.  Their eyes glaze over. Why do I keep talking about my child? Why do her brothers and (adopted) sister still mention her? Why don't you just get on with it Em? And I do. I really do get on with it.

But what I can't get over is that I can't believe it's 2016. To me, that's harder to believe than 2011 was so long ago. I can't explain how it feels like my life stopped in 2011. The world stopped turning (except it didn't). 

I still miss my little girl every single day. 

Sometimes I am happy and I find it hard verging on impossible to comprehend that I once held my heart's desire in my arms. And that I never will again.

Laughing still carries the weight of grief and wonder in that I can't believe I am able to laugh.

And then sometimes the grief comes and bites me so hard. 

Last week there was a baby dedication at our church. For a little girl. And then the sang the song we played at Eva's funeral. That kind of shit hits like nothing else. And I can't believe so many years have passed. Nobody even remembers anymore (except a very few for whom I'm thankful). So many in our church never met Eva.  Don't even know our large family is short one small but priceless member.

I seriously don't know how I keep on keeping on. How I've managed to kept it sort of together these past years.  How is it possible that it's 2016? How is it possible that people's eyes glaze over when they hear 2011?


  1. It is so unfair to have to justify your love for your daughter. I hate that you can feel people wanting you to "get on with it", when you know how difficult that is, and how well you are actually doing, considering the circumstances. I have felt that same invisible, but palpable, pressure, and it can be infuriating. Many hugs to you, Em.

  2. Yup. every words of this. 2011 still feels like its just in my back pocket. And 2016 feels like something way out there in the future. I often think the same thing-people must think Im crazy for still talking about him because its been so long. Thanks for sharing this and making me feel less alone!

  3. That is the hardest thing about grief, that it cannot be carried by others for a while. Other people don't get it, and it makes one feel so alone. May your days be blessed and may God give you support and love when you are not getting it from people.

  4. It's because people see death as as single point in time. They fail to realise that's it is the living without them in the years to come that is the really difficult bit xx

  5. I don't know if you will see this or not but I just wanted you to know that some of us are still thinking of you and remembering your sweet Eva. As yesterday was her birthday, I imagine it was probably another rough day. I hope you can take some comfort in the fact that even though, you may not hear from people often, there are those of us that still remember and keep you in our thoughts. Sending you lots of hugs! Wendy