Saturday, December 3, 2011

American Thanksgiving

We spent 10 days in the U.S...we spent American Thanksgiving in America...with Mike's cousin Richard and his family.  I also read 1000 blessings during that time...thankfulness has been an all encompassing theme in my life in the past few weeks, all when I'm feeling, probably, the least thankful I've ever felt in my entire life.  All when I have been hurt and angry and wondering and crying why why why, why Eva? Why me?
While in the US we went to Pennsylvania and visited Mike's grandma Alice.  Alice is a pillar of strength.  Alice is one of the most godly, prayerful women I know.  Alice lost a son (Michael) at 8 years old.  Alice told me while we were there that she cried and cried and was inconsolable for a year and a half.  I thought if this woman, this pillar of strength, this woman of integrity could cry for her son for a year and a half...I can cry for my daughter for a year and a half.  Altogether, from conception to death I had my sweet Eva for 19 months.  Just over a year and a half.  19 months where I faced the reality that I was pregnant again and not being quite thrilled about this unexpected event that would make me the mother of 4 children 4 years old and younger.  As time passed I became more and more attached to this little life growing inside me and when we found out she was a girl, I just couldn't believe it.  We didn't tell anyone...would I be dissapointed if this little being was actually a boy?  When she was born after a relatively short labour I was so excited to see that she really was a girl!   I had a daughter!  I still have a daughter...although instead of tickling hear and hearing her laugh, instead of waking up in the night and comforting her when she cries, I lie awake without her in the night and I cry and cry and cry for this sweet little being that is still my daughter.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

3 months night

It's been  3 months night since sweet Eva left us.  It feels like there has been no day since her death.  I am longing for morning...will it ever come?  Do I even want it to come?  The 15th of the month is such a hard is the anniversary of her birth and of her death.  She never got to hear 'Happy Birthday' sung to her.  I have been anticipating this date with a heavy heart, knowing, from what I've read that this is the day (unofficially and only according to people who haven't lost a child) that I'm supposed to start being okay again.  There are some aspects that have gotten I can usually go through a whole conversation without crying if I try hard and there are some aspects that have gotten my arms ache for Eva even more as the time from the last time I held her slips by.
Yesterday I  was looking at pictures of our family before we knew Eva was sick and how happy my eyes looked....the innocence of those pictures almost frightens me as sometimes I wonder what I'm innocent of now...what tragedy is lurking in the shadows of the unknown future waiting to come in for the kill.
Before you lose a child you don't even consider the possibility that something like that could happen to your family, you're somehow immune to that kind of happens to other people...not to you.  Then when you lose a child you feel that you've somehow paid your due and there's no way God would pluck another flower from your carefully tended garden...then you become friends with other people who have dead babies and children and you join a community that you didn't ever know existed and a club you never wanted to become a member of...and then you meet someone who has lost 2 or more children and you realize that you haven't paid your dues...there are no dues.  The Lord gives and the Lord takes away and He could take another one of your precious ones.  That is the fear that gnaws at my soul...

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Before and After

There is one Me divided in two. There is the Me who lived before Eva died and there is the Me who lives now.  I feel like my life is cleanly sliced at August 15th 2011 at 9:15pm.  There is the Me with hope and the hopeless one.  There is the faith-filled Me and the one who wonders why pray anyway, because it seems God will do what He wants anyway.  I know know know in my head that this isn't true but I am so mad and hurt....why did it have to be Eva? When so many people around the world prayed for her? All these crack-babies and FAS babies and all those babies that people abort and why my Eva who I loved more than life. I would cut off my right arm and run naked through the streets of the city if I could get my baby back.  This new Me isn't really Me but it's who I am right now...if that makes any sense. 
Everyone has said how my faith has been a testiomony to them, then why do I feel so empty inside when I've alledgedly inspired so many people? 
Anyway, this blog is called after eva because that's what the rest of my life will be until I get to die and go to Heaven.  Can't wait to see her face again...I hope she's the first person I see when I get there.  Sometimes I think about all the years and years I have to go through before I get to see Eva again and I wonder how I'll make it through...I never thought before that I would yearn to be 80 and on my deathbed...or maybe 50 or 60 if I'm lucky.  Hopefully not before that though because I still have to raise up my sons to be the men they are destined to become...and maybe when that time comes I'll enjoy life again and want to see grandchildren.  Samuel says when he has a daughter he wants to name her Eva...he says we should have more girls and name them all Eva...I hope he does name a daughter Eva...that will warm my heart.
I just wish I could  have a glimpse of Heaven now...just a taste and see my girl for a moment...

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

the end

So losing Eva is the beginning of my blogging journey...wonder where this will go...I always wanted to try it but figured nobody would really be interested in my life and what would I have to say people may still not be interested but here we go in trying to maintain my sanity in a world gone askew.  I miss posting about Eva on carepages but now there are no more prayer requests and no more hope in so many ways.  I'm not sure where this blog will lead...maybe it will lead me Home.