Monday, January 28, 2013

Crying in the hamburger.

Sometimes I can appear to have it all together and be doing okay when I'm cooking supper and suddenly the grief overtakes me and I find myself crying and silently wailing into the hamburger.

Like when I think about how much Eva loved me so much and always wanted to be with just me and then she suddenly was gone and could never be with me again. Was my baby girl scared and wanting mama and I couldn't comfort her...or are the arms of Jesus all-encompassing and all-loving for my little girl?

Does she ever miss me?

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

The first dress.

Little J has been with us for almost 2 years, barring the time she was not while Eva was very sick and shortly after her death. In all this time I have not bought her a new dress.

At the beginning Little J wore clothes that I had bought ahead for Eva but were still too big for her.

Clothes Eva never got to wear.

After Eva died there was a good second hand store that I could provide easily for Little J without too much tearing on my heart.

Thank you Hand me Down Depot.

At Christmas I eyed the racks of Christmas dresses but, again, did not purchase any. I could not buy two so I bought none at all. Opting, instead, to borrow a gently used one from a friend for the couple of times a Christmas dress was called for.

Next week is Little J's third birthday. The racks are, again, full of dresses. This time flowery and springy. I knew Little J would be excited to receive one of those dresses.

I know that I won`t be able to buy Little J a dress at Easter because it will be too painful. Because the one single Easter that Eva spent with us I forgot to put Easter dresses on the girls.  And I never got to have another Easter with Eva. Again, I cannot buy two...

But the 28th is Little J`s birthday. A day just for her. I can buy a dress for her, on her birthday. I wouldn`t have bought two on her birthday. I would only have bought one.

Today I bought Little J her very own new dress.

It was the cutest one on the rack and yet I avoided it...looking at all the other dresses, hoping one would attract me. But, ultimately, I ended up with the one I was avoiding. A white dress with multicoloured butterflies all over it. A dress that has Eva flying all over it.

I like butterflies on Little J but they are so Eva to me that I try to avoid them too. It`s like a dance I dance with only myself...the balance of the butterflies.

To everyone in the store I looked like a mom having difficulty deciding which dress to buy for her little many choices. To me it was a different kind of difficulty. It was not just buying a dress. It was choosing to buy a dress for Little J, only for Little J, and simply because of the joy in Little J`s eyes when she opens her present on her birthday morning.

And then I shared the dress with the boys and they covered Little J`s eyes when we paid for it. And Samuel put it under his coat for the ride home and they are thrilled to be giving her a dress she will like so much.

And I am happy they are happy. Because I am discovering that so much of their joy depends on mine right now. Their attitude and love for Little J is a reflection of mine. And my attitude and love is a choice.  A hard choice, granted, but a choice nonetheless.

And my children are watching me.

Sunday, January 20, 2013


Something unusual happened today.

I saw someone I know but rarely see. I hadn't seen this person since before Eva died. Maybe even before she was born. That's how infrequently we cross paths.

But this person said hello and then looked me in the eye and said she had seen Mike but hadn't seen me since our daughter died. She said she was sorry and that it was very sad. She didn't beat around the bush. She didn't avoid me. She didn't pretend nothing had happened. She admired a photo of Eva and told me how beautiful she was.  I thanked her for not beating around the bush and for mentioning Eva.

Yes, it brought a few tears to my eyes but it was good.

Better than wondering if she knew our daughter had died.
Better than wondering if she even knew we had a daughter.


Tuesday, January 15, 2013

The 15th again.

As another 15th ebbs to a close and another month without you goes by I miss the naughty little girl you might have been. The sweet little girl you surely would have been and the cute little girl I know you would have been.

I don't miss the potty training but would have loved to been given the gift of doing that with you too.

I indulged my thoughts today with you. I had a nap and thought of you. I taught the kids french and you were by my side. We had an extra muffin at breakfast and Vincent insisted on putting out your pink plate with the muffin on it for you. A matching cup was filled with water and you even got a bowl for the fruit salad you will never eat. I don't prompt him to do these sweet things but it warms my heart when he does, of his own accord, remember you. When I mentioned how nice it was he said he 'always' thinks of you.  I was glad for that pink plate on the table and the extra muffin. And for Vincent and his tender heart. And for you too, my daughter always.

Little J wanted help to put her socks on today. Theodore told her that Eva would have to help. She tearfully replied that 'Eva's not down here'. We wish you were so much my dear but you are always with us in our hearts and one day we will really be together in heaven. Just. can't. wait.

Miss you my darling. Always and forever my sweetheart.


Monday, January 14, 2013

The 'family' calendar and Mexico.

It's been a couple of weeks since I posted. I've thought alot about writing but some things happened that kept me from it. Not all bad. We spent 1 week in Mexico! Lovely! And no email, facebook, internet at all for the whole time. The day we came home I got sick and have been sick as a dog ever since. The kids are also sick which makes for fun times! Not!

On December 28th we went to my in-laws for dinner. There is a tradition in my husband's family of creating a photo calendar of all the kids and grandkids as a gift to his parents, grandma, and aunt. It's a lovely tradition. Or it would have been except when I perused the calendar the single photo of Eva I had sent to be included in the calendar was not included. I had a complete breakdown in the guest room at my in-laws.  I haven't cried like that in months!

I was later informed by the creator of the calendar this year that there was some 'rule' that the photos needed to be from the previous year and that there were no photos of Eva taken in 2012. Therefore she was not included. This is arbitrary bureaucracy bullshit because in the past Mike's brother has not submitted photos of himself and ones from previous years were used. What hurts so much isn't that Eva was not included but that the single photo I sent was not used (except in a crappy cropped thumbnail on the front of the calendar) and that no one thought we would care. Well, obviously there are no photos of her in 2012 so Mike and Em won't even care or be hurt.  Like we are not painfully aware, every single day, that there are no photos of Eva in 2012. Like we do not see her out of the corner of our eyes every time we see our children all together. Like we do not wonder what she would do if given the chance to play with them. Like we do not wonder what dress we would pick out for her for Christmas. I wonder how Mike's sister would feel if her child was purposefully left out of the 'family' calendar.

Anyway, that whole thing sent me for a loop to the nth degree, and, by the time I was recovered enough to write we were on holiday-which was a great reprieve from real life!  I'm in a much better state of mind now than I was that week but it never ceases to amaze me how the people we care for and who we think should care for us turn out to be such absolutely hurtful creatures it's best to not speak to them in order to protect our hearts and our sanity.

I've just been trying, unsuccessfully, to upload a few pictures from our Mexico trip. Guess those will have to wait as I want to post this now and not keep waiting...