Monday, January 14, 2013

The 'family' calendar and Mexico.

It's been a couple of weeks since I posted. I've thought alot about writing but some things happened that kept me from it. Not all bad. We spent 1 week in Mexico! Lovely! And no email, facebook, internet at all for the whole time. The day we came home I got sick and have been sick as a dog ever since. The kids are also sick which makes for fun times! Not!

On December 28th we went to my in-laws for dinner. There is a tradition in my husband's family of creating a photo calendar of all the kids and grandkids as a gift to his parents, grandma, and aunt. It's a lovely tradition. Or it would have been except when I perused the calendar the single photo of Eva I had sent to be included in the calendar was not included. I had a complete breakdown in the guest room at my in-laws.  I haven't cried like that in months!

I was later informed by the creator of the calendar this year that there was some 'rule' that the photos needed to be from the previous year and that there were no photos of Eva taken in 2012. Therefore she was not included. This is arbitrary bureaucracy bullshit because in the past Mike's brother has not submitted photos of himself and ones from previous years were used. What hurts so much isn't that Eva was not included but that the single photo I sent was not used (except in a crappy cropped thumbnail on the front of the calendar) and that no one thought we would care. Well, obviously there are no photos of her in 2012 so Mike and Em won't even care or be hurt.  Like we are not painfully aware, every single day, that there are no photos of Eva in 2012. Like we do not see her out of the corner of our eyes every time we see our children all together. Like we do not wonder what she would do if given the chance to play with them. Like we do not wonder what dress we would pick out for her for Christmas. I wonder how Mike's sister would feel if her child was purposefully left out of the 'family' calendar.

Anyway, that whole thing sent me for a loop to the nth degree, and, by the time I was recovered enough to write we were on holiday-which was a great reprieve from real life!  I'm in a much better state of mind now than I was that week but it never ceases to amaze me how the people we care for and who we think should care for us turn out to be such absolutely hurtful creatures it's best to not speak to them in order to protect our hearts and our sanity.

I've just been trying, unsuccessfully, to upload a few pictures from our Mexico trip. Guess those will have to wait as I want to post this now and not keep waiting...


  1. Oh Em big hugs, how insensitive! Toms mum did us a personalised calender too Bs birthday wasn't included and on the anniversary of her death they had used a butterfly and not a picture if her. There is also not a single photo of her in my MIL house. It's hurtful, it's like she is forgotten to everyone apart from me sometimes. I hope the creator of the calander realised they upset you, surely you sending them would have shown you wanted her included as she is obviously still very much part of your family an exception to the rules should have been made for Eva.

    In glad you had a relaxing break, we went to Mexico on our honeymoon a lovely place. Sometimes a break from real life does you the world of good. What's not good though is a sickness bug. I really hope your feeling better soon

    1. Oh Sally,
      How awful that B's birthday was not included. And she was even older than Eva. At least Eva's birthday was still included but I suspect it was an oversight from the template from last year. Her Heaven Day was not included, butterfly or no. It's so painful to not see your child's face among their siblings. I did remedy the situation as far as I could for this year in that I taped a paper photo of Eva into my inlaws' calendar on the month where there is a family photo of us and I mailed a photo to the aunt and grandma with a request that they tape it in too. I'm feeling better now. Mexico helped.

  2. Omgosh at the calendar!! That is terrible! :(

  3. I am so sorry. I came across a quote the other day and I loved it! Perhaps you will too.
    "Because someone we love is in heaven...there's a little bit of heaven in our home."

  4. It should be tradition to include the child’s memory in every family gathering or project. That is just respectful, and kind. Yeah, it hurts to remember if you loved the child, but, you’re just brushing the surface of pain if you’re not the child’s parent. So step up and do the right thing. If not, don’t pretend there isn’t an elephant in the room.
    That's my rant.

    1. thanks for your 'rant' susan. Respectful and kind are not adjectives that could be used in this situation, and the fallout of it. I wish they were.