Friday, December 27, 2013

The bizarreness of Christmas cards.

I have received both thoughtful and thoughtless Christmas cards since Eva died but this one takes the cake.

Christmas Relief

It is with relief that I bid adieu to another Christmas. While not so gut wrenchingly painful as the last two years it it still awful to miss Eva and be joyful. Christmas is okay now, which is a vast improvement on terrible, but still...

Three things made it easier. 1) time. 2) opening Eva's stocking of memories and weeping over memories I had forgotten but which were gifted back to me. 3) the fantastic coffee table that Mike made for our family, which I have wanted to have in the living room for so long. A table for the kids to colour, Lego, puzzle on and have Eva in the midst of our living space. Not just on a shelf.

Without further ado, here it is...

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Not the worst Christmas.

I'll admit, this is not the worst Christmas of my life.

I am enjoying it, with an asterisk.

But it feels like a betrayal to Eva to enjoy something like Christmas without her. How can I possibly feel joy when my child is dead?
I feel like a rotten mother to Eva when I can enjoy celebrations here on earth and I feel like a rotten mother to my earth side kids when they don't have a mother who is present because she's weeping over the one who is missing.

It's a sucky lose-lose situation and I'm sad. Sad that my family can never be complete again this side of heaven. Sad that it's Christmas Eve and I always found Christmas Eve to be the most magical night of the year. And I still feel that magic this year* but there's something missing. Someone missing. And I anticipate the Saviour's birth* but it's all so different without all my children here.

And my heart goes out especially this year to those families enduring their first Christmas without their child.  K thinking especially of you and your little R, with Christmas and his birthday so close together. Wish I could give you a real hug.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013


I'm being squeezed lately. Squeezed by opinions. Squeezed by my overwhelming sadness of Christmas without Eva. Squeezed by my foot squeezing itself into my mouth. Squeezed by rumours. Squeezed and wrung out and done in. As much as I write here I don't even write about it all. So much is so ugly and I don't want to lose anymore people in my life.

Sunday, December 15, 2013

December 15 2013

Here we are again. Another 15th. My grief counsellor has reminded me that anger is a secondary emotion. Today anger was a secondary emotion to heartbreak. We cut down our Christmas tree today. A tradition we began the first time we had to celebrate Christmas without our princess. It's the beginning of another festive season without her and my heart was broken again. To complicate things I volunteered our family to do an advent reading today and light an advent candle at church. Oh, and it was the candle of joy. Joy? Honestly, sometimes I have no idea what I am thinking.

So we cut our tree and I snapped some pics of my kiddos enjoying the snow. And I kept thinking that our little Eva should have been in there this year for real. Three years old now she could have made the trek with the boys...

And I just feel so heartbroken that once again I am stuck having to enjoy another Christmas without my precious girl.

Today Nathan is 8 months and 1 day old. If he were Eva tomorrow is when she was first admitted to the hospital and the beginning of the end began.  So far I have no reason to believe he will be admitted to the hospital tomorrow. But I did take a couple of cute pics of him today, just in case.

Saturday, December 7, 2013

Some bad poetry for you tonight.

Two years on
And I should be movin' on
Rainbow baby on my hip.
No more tears, or so they say.
But grief lasts longer than sympathy.
And I've reached the limit...
Where my grief has lasted longer
Longer than other people wished
But how can I forget
That smile, those lips
One cheeky tooth just poking through
And I make people twisty
With my truth.
Cause my grief has lasted longer
Longer than the sympathy others can muster
And it`s not going to end soon
And you`ll see me around
And you`ll wish you didn`t know me
So you wouldn`t have to say you`re sorry
So it`s okay if you don`t care anymore
Cause I do. I always will.
And, no matter what, she`s always my little girl.

Thursday, December 5, 2013


Tears are never a sign of weakness. Tears are always the sign of an open heart- Ann Voskamp.

...missing you tonight...

Monday, December 2, 2013

A bit of Christmas

Christmas preparations are underway here.

I hate Christmas.

I used to love Christmas.

Now I love my children but do not love the jolly ness of it all.

I am just plain tired of honouring Eva.

What I want to do is love her, hold her, discipline her, encourage her, cheer for her...

What I get to do is honour her with my life. What a load of crap that really is.

Meanwhile, we prepare for Christmas with cookies, advent calendars, candles, wreaths and decorations...all of which sound so jolly don't they? And yet all of which are but a shoddy covering of the REAL meaning of Christmas. Christ. Christmas.

I still love what Christmas represents. I just don't love the everything else.

I miss you Eva.

Here are some ideas for bereaved parents to keep their child involved in Christmas.

- Hang their stocking on Dec 1st and during the advent season write down a memory of your child (even if it is a memory of your pregnancy if that's all you have). On Christmas Day when everyone is opening their stockings you can open up your child's full of memories.

-Hang a special ornament for your child (or make one-making things is so healing).

-Sponsor a Compassion Child in your child's honour. (We are planning to do this in the next couple years with the same birthday as Eva).

-Take a 'family photo' of your stockings hanging all together.

-Build a 'snowman family' with your child represented and use that for your Christmas card this year.

-buy gifts your child would have loved and give them to a women's and children's shelter.

-And especially if this is the first Christmas you are celebrating without your child and people have the audacity to send you a Christmas card wishing you a merry little Christmas and all the best for a fantastic new year with no mention of your child then please don't feel bad if you decide to go ahead and have a small bonfire with aforementioned Christmas cards.