Sunday, October 25, 2015

I will hold you again

Life slowly and quickly moves on...

Sometimes I am driving and feeling okay. And then thoughts of you come in my mind. Sometimes you feel like a dream. I wonder if you ever really were part of this world. It seems unreal that I should have had you and lost you so quickly. I can't even imagine you as a five year old. But I know you were here and there is a hole in my heart the shape of you that hurts beyond belief even this many years later. I never thought it was possible to weep so much for someone so many years later. Some days I'm okay and some days it's like you died yesterday and all I want to do is scoop you up into my arms and hold you forever.  I don't want to die as I know I'm needed here and I truly love your brothers (and Josie) but the anticipation of living so many more years with this hole in my heart is horrible. The hardest part is there is absolutely nothing I can do about any of it. Nothing.

I miss you baby girl. I wish you would come to me in a dream but I've given up hoping, even for that. 

I love you and I will hold you again, in heaven.

Friday, October 9, 2015


Eva would be five this October 15th. 

It's a lot harder sitting here not getting ready for a birthday party then it is getting ready for one. I'd say this is a good case of the lead up is worse than the day itself. Cause so far, the lead up has been really crappy. 

My soul aches.

And it's Canadian thanksgiving. 

And I'm thankful. But sad too. So I've decided to quit thanksgiving. At least for this year. I just can't get it together to host a big meal, clean up and not prepare for a birthday party. Not preparing for a birthday party takes a lot out of a mama.

This October 14 Nathan will be exactly 2.5 years old. Had Eva lived she would have been exactly 2.5 years old when she would have met and held Nathan for the very first time.

Felix is over a year old. Things are changing. Spinning. 

I can't quite pinpoint the significance of it all but this feels like a big month somehow.