Thursday, June 13, 2013

Let's talk about death challenge: Day 13

Photo: Posted early:

A  very tough question for day 13's talk about death challenge:

And this may or may not apply to you. 

Who, if anyone, is there to forgive? And... how does that feel to contemplate?

(I will have a very full day tomorrow so will read as I'm able throughout spaces in the day. Thank you in advance for your courage to engage with self and other for this very difficult discussion)

Myself. And  God.

It feels good. I just went through that for the first time a couple of weeks ago.

Myself for not seeing that she was failing. For not pushing hard enough for care early on in her journey. For not asking for an echo in Edmonton before we left for home (even when I felt like I wanted to but I was so excited to go home!). For not telling the paramedics that she had a heart condition and to hurry, hurry, hurry to the hospital instead of trying to stabilize her in the ambulance. It still brings tears to my eyes to think of that ambulance. Why did I stay there mute? Why did I not scream that she needed ECMO? Why did I think they knew?

That is what I need to forgive myself for...and that brings me to God.

God, for not letting me keep her. I hated God because I wanted her with ME! Not with him. With ME! I have forgiven him for taking her. She was always his anyway. Right from the very start. From life's first breath to final cry. Eva belongs to him.

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