Nonetheless, thankful

I read most of the book One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp quite some time ago (thanks Karen and Marjie).  I began a thankful journal sometime before Christmas.It helped me to see the small things that I am thankful for rather than focussing all the time on my great loss.

Today I stopped by Fawne's blog  She inspired me to share with all of you some of the things I am thankful for. Even in the midst of my sorrow, there is joy.

• Thankful for a warm little boy snuggled up in bed with me.
• Thankful that losing Eva has made heaven such a real place for my sons and that they talk about it and desire to go there.
• Thankful for sharing the gift of an AMAZING winter sunset sky with two small sons clinging to me; holding them up to keep their bare feet off the snow.
• Thankful for a husband that is a source of strength and comfort.
• Thankful for pumpkin seeds hot out of the oven.
• Thankful for paper plates when needed.
• Thankful for Theodore's squeaky little voice.
• Thankful for Oma reading stories
• Thankful for Theodore who said "God made that" as he pointed to a star.
• Thankful for the joy of getting a Christmas tree amidst the pain of December 15th and four months without Eva.
• Thankful for Vincent who hugged me so tight the whole Christmas Eve service, and who just wanted Eva to come home for Christmas.
• Thankful for Samuel who was so happy to get a framed photo of himself and his sister for Christmas Eve.
• Thankful for Theodore who totes his 'Baby Eva' around and was so excited for all the pictures of Eva on Christmas Eve.
• Thankful that 2011 is over.
• Thankful for the hope of a New Year.
• Thankful for the laughter shared with Paul and Manuela.
• Thankful for coffee.
• Thankful for Elliott and Tess playing with my boys.
• Thankful that I yearn for heaven more than I ever have before.
• Thankful for the assurance of Jesus and the hope I have of seeing Eva again.
• Thankful for 3 breathing sons.
• Thankful for Josie.
• Thankful for a warm house.

Above is just a small excerpt from my journal.

Today I am specifically:

• Thankful Mike is working.
• Thankful the Tyler kids and their mom came over this morning.
• Thankful for the sun, and children playing outside.
• Thankful for coffee.
• Thankful for the 9 months Eva spent in my belly.
• Thankful for the 10 months I had to hold her and love her outside of my belly.
• Thankful that I threw sleep training out the window and slept with Eva on the hospital cot as much as possible while I had the chance.
• Thankful that Eva continues to touch our lives, despite being physically absent from us.
• Thankful for tears. (Can you imagine not being able to release that kind of emotion).

It is amazing how many little things there are to be thankful for and, all together, they are not that little. They are just taken for granted so much that it is not till we look for them that they appear, like mountains coming out of the mist. The mountains were always there and never left, but the mist obscured them. As these things are always there but the mist of oblivion obscures them.

• Nonetheless, thankful, in the mist of my huge sorrow.

In my heart are many rooms...

Shortly after losing Eva I read a book, among many. But, Somewhere More Holy by Tony Woodlief gave me some new language. Some of this language comes out now when my sons ask who I love best.  Now I tell them that in my heart are many rooms and each one of them has their very own room.  Eva also has a room...is it an empty room now? No,  it is not empty. It is full. Full of love for the little princess I could only lavish love on for 10 short months.

I have 3 sons on earth who bless me daily. I have 1 daughter in heaven and am constantly amazed how many people have been touched through her brief life...but there is one more. One more child I have been keeping a secret from you. A child who is a significant part of our lives. A little girl. A little girl 8 months older than Eva would have been. A little girl who loves girly things, shoes, strollers, kisses, hugs, and 'pretties' in her hair.  My heart is torn with this little girl . I want to lavish love on her but my heart is often heavy.  When she does cute things I imagine my little Eva doing those things very soon...and it hurts. I want to admire Eva as she makes new discoveries and toddles around her world and my heart. What is she doing in heaven right now? Is she toddling around? Does an angel tuck her in for naps? 

 And butterflies. Butterflies are for Eva...when this other little girl has butterflies on her clothes (as girls often do)...I see my little Eva there...and somehow she is with us (it's amazing the straws we grasp at, really). My heart yearns for Eva, but this other girl, this little blond pumpkin, is building herself a room in my heart. 

This post isn't much today but it's been in my heart...

On treeplanters and baby girls and Jesus.

Many years ago, in another lifetime, I was a treeplanter. I planted trees by the thousands at about 10 cents apiece.  It was back-breaking physical labour that I shall not soon forget. More importantly though are the people that were also treeplanters with me. Sarah, Shannon,  Joel, Mike...and many others of whom I remember fondly and not-so-fondly. In the summer of 2001, I treeplanted in Northern Alberta. This summer was particularly memorable. Not only did I meet my future husband that summer but I also planted with several Christians, all at a different crossing on the road of their walk with Christ. First was Sarah, a believer struggling with questions. Second was Shannon, fallen away from Christ at that time but full of wisdom, knowledge and un-judgementat answers to all my questions. Third was Joel, he shared the gospel through his life and showing his commitment to God in ways that appeared foolish to my eyes at the time. Fourth was Mike, Mike gave me a bible, gave me some scripture references that were both helpful and not. All of these people have ebbed and flowed in my life in the last years.  I am grateful to all of them for the role they played in bringing me to Christ.  On Septembe 9, 2001, I gave my life to Jesus with trembling hands and a trembling heart. I remember that day at St. Stephen's Anglican Church in Montreal so clearly.  Then, two days later was September 11, 2001. I remember thinking that if this was the end of the world, that I was glad I had given my life to Jesus.
 On September 9th 2011, still reeling and blinded by the grief of losing my baby girl, I didn't remember that it was 10 years. 10 years of following the Lord as best I could. These past months, (where a new 10 years has began) I am no longer following the Lord as best I can.  Now I am letting Him lead me, I am letting Him hold me.  To Him, I commit my body, my spirit, my soul, my broken heart.  I am broken and only in Him is there rest and healing for the broken.  He calls the broken to Him, the broken-hearted, the weak, the meek, the suffering. No longer can I make it through the day on my own strength. No longer can I say that I made right choices to be where I am. No longer can I say I have succeeded in anything through my own strength. No longer am I following the Lord as best I can. I have joined the ranks of the broken...and His banner over me is love.


Remember Joel? A couple of months ago I received a large rock in the mail. Yes, a rock...and even the rocks will cry out You are God. This rock had been collected on the shores of Lake Superior by Joel and his wife, Renee. They got it sand-blasted with Eva's name and a butterfly.  They could not have known that butterflies are our special little connection to our special little girl.  It was one of the most meaningful gifts we have been given.  This family has seen their share of heart-break.  Their little girl, Emily Grace, lived from June 2nd to June 11th 2008. Emily also had a heart defect. Emily also has a rock from the shores of Lake Superior. Emily is also in glory with our Eva. In earthly years Emily is only 2 years and 3 months older than Eva. Today Emily would be 3 years 8 months old. Eva would be 16 1/2 months old. They never met on earth, and yet, somehow, they are probably friends in Heaven.


For some reason, today I went to Joel and Renee's blog http://www.joelrenee.blogspot.com/ and searched out all the posts about Emily.  I found the letter below on one of the entries. I felt like it had been written to me...and yet, I also know the pain in which the recipient of the letter must have read some of those words. I was gently reminded a couple of times today to seek joy, and it is difficult to hear and difficult to do. 


This letter is full of truth, comfort, hope, pain...and, almost 400 years after it was written I am receiving it.


To a Christian Gentlewoman [23 April 1628]:

My love in Christ remembered to you. I was indeed sorrowful when I left you, especially since you were in such heaviness after your daughter's death; yet I am sure you know that the weightiest end of the cross of Christ that is laid upon you, lies on your strong Saviour. For Isaiah said that in all your afflictions He is afflicted (Is. 63:9). O blessed Saviour, who suffers with you! Your soul may be glad, even to walk in the fiery furnace, with the Son of Man, who is also the Son of God. Take courage. When you tire, he will bear both you and your burden (Ps. 55:22). In a little while you shall see the salvation of God.
Your lease on your daughter has run out; and you can no more quarrel against your great Superior for taking what He owns, than a poor tenant can complain when the landowner takes back his own land when the lease is expired. Do you think she is lost, when she is only sleeping in the bosom of the Almighty? If she were with a dear friend, your concern for her would be small, even though you would never see her again. Oh now, is she not with a dear friend, and gone higher, upon a certain hope that you shall see her again in the resurrection? Your daughter was a part of yourself; and, therefore, being as it were cut in half, you will be grieved. But you have to rejoice; though a part of you is on earth, a great part of you is glorified in heaven.
Follow her, but do not envy her; for indeed it is self-love that makes us mourn for them that die in the Lord. Why? Because we cannot mourn for them since they are happy; therefore, we mourn on our own private account. Be careful then, that in showing your affection in mourning for your daughter that you are not, out of self-affection, mourning for yourself.
Consider what the Lord is doing. Your daughter has been plucked out of the fire, and she rests from her labours. Your Lord is testing you by casting you in the fire. Go through all fires to your rest. And now remember, that the eye of God is upon the burning bush, and it is not consumed; and He is gladly content that such a weak woman as you should send Satan away frustrated. Honour God now, and shame the strong roaring lion, when you seem the weakest.
Should you faint in the day of adversity? Recall the days of old! The Lord still lives; trust in Him. Faith is exceedingly charitable and believes no evil of God. The Lord has placed in the balance your submission to His will and your affection for your daughter. Which of the two will you choose? Be wise; and as I trust you love Christ better, pass by your daughter, and kiss the Son. Men lop the branches off their trees so they may grow up high and tall. The Lord has lopped your branch off by taking from you many children, so that you would grow upwards, setting your heart above, where Christ is at the right hand of the Father.
Prepare yourself; you are nearer your daughter this day than you were yesterday. Run your race with patience; let God have what belongs to Him. Do not ask Him for the daughter who has been taken from you, the daughter of faith; but ask Him for patience; and in patience possess your soul. Lift up your head; your redemption draws near.

Your affectionate and loving
friend in the Lord Jesus,
Samuel Rutherford
('From Grief to Glory' by James W. Bruce III p. 147)


I cannot help but think, how happy the letter's recipient is now. She is with her children in heaven.  She is singing praises to God.  The truth will set you free and she is free.  How fleeting our lives here on earth are.  How momentary. How long eternity is. In heaven or not, our free choice.  I am so glad I gave my life to Christ on that September day, over 10 years ago now.  I am so glad every day that passes is one day closer to holding Eva again.  I know not whether she will be a baby, or a young girl, or a young lady when I see her again in Glory but I know that when I see her I will hold her and I will sing praises to God because I will have eternity with my God and my daughter. Sounds like heaven to me.

Thank you, Joel, for the testimony of your life in the summer of 2001, and your prayers in the summer of 2011...and to Renee, a sister in Christ and in heart break.


Eva, until I see you in Heaven, I am learning patience, as there is no other choice.
 I love you sweet girl, your mama.

The candle and the saucer.

The pediatrician we had for Eva was the all-time best pediatrician in the world.  He is a pediatrician for high-risk kids but he has agreed to take on our boys and any other future children we might be lucky enough to be blessed with, even though they are not high-risk (hopefully). 
This pediatrician gave us a beautiful, high-quality pure beeswax candle when Eva died.  We burned this candle during Eva's memorial (part of it anyway) and I have burned it every now and then when I wanted to feel especially close to her. There is something truly living about a flame. This candle has been getting smaller and smaller and I became more and more stingy about burning it...all those little connections to my child that I am loathe to give up. 
Today, I learned that someone I know gave birth to their baby at about 5 months gestation.  Baby Faith died.  She went to Heaven with her big brother. I'm sure he is taking good care of her up there and showing her the ropes but it tears me up...all this pain...all these children in Heaven.
I got out a candle for Baby Faith today and put it on the saucer with Eva's candle.  I lit them both and thought of those two girls together in Heaven.  Two little girls that could have been close enough in age to be friends here on earth.  Faith's candle burned all day and this evening burned its brightest before sputtering out.  Eva's candle continued to burn into the evening and it was so small I decided to let it burn out...I'd been watching it all evening and as the flame got bigger and more erratic as the candle began to die I thought about life...does it burn brightest before the end?  Eva's candle flickered and burned much longer than I would have expected given the tiny amount of wax left and I think about Eva's life as it burned much longer than we expected those first days in the PICU.
Since placing Eva's candle on the saucer I wondered what I would do when the candle burned out...would I scrape off the wax and throw it out...would I keep it...I just did not know.
Turns out...the candle burned so hot at the end that I was sitting on the couch and I heard a crrrraaack! The saucer had broken into many pieces, yet the candle burned on.  Eva's body is broken but she lives on. It felt appropriate that this saucer should break. There are no decisions now as to what to do with it...those of you with only living children will wonder at my sentimentality over a candle and a saucer...but those of you who have lost children will understand the sentimentality of holding onto every little scrap that we have left of our children.  There will never be another candle that burned at her memorial. 
We will light another candle and I will look at the children sitting at the table and I will look at the candle like I did with this one and imagine all my children at the table together...which will never happen again, no matter how many children we have.

My baby is growing up in Heaven

So my friend came over this afternoon with her brood of children.  One of her daughters is 3 months older than our Eva would have been.  As I looked at this sweet child toddling around and playing I suddenly realized that my Eva wouldn't be a little bald baby anymore.  She would be a little girl with blue eyes and brown hair long enough to squeeze into tiny little pigtails.  She would be toddling around carrying a doll.  She would be smiling at her daddy.  She would be crying when one of her brothers knocked her down.  She would be comforted by mommy's arms. She would be almost 16 months old now. Suddenly it struck me, my little girl is growing up in Heaven.  How I miss her.

Someday it will be okay.  Someday I will hold her in my arms and I won't weep. Someday I won't wish for every kiss and every growing-up moment that I haven't had with her.

Today I do.

5 long months

My sweet princess Eva,
It's been 5 long months since you left us to go home.  You would be 15 months old today. There are babies who are older now than you were when you died who were younger than you in August.  It hurts to see them growing up when you are forever my unchanging daughter.
I have a necklace with your picture on it.  It's beautiful. Your brothers kiss it sometimes.   I wish they were kissing you instead. I wish I did not have this stupid necklace and that you were safely sleeping in your crib. We all miss you so much.
Today has just been so hard.  I feel like my heart has been ripped out afresh.  I bought Heaven is For Real for kids on Friday at Shepherd's Fold.  I do so hope that Heaven really is like that.  I hope that Moses is purring in your lap.  My heart aches at not getting to hold you and especially not getting to rub my lips against your downy hair.  All I have is what we snipped off at the hospital and put in a baggie. 
We went to church today and we sang a song that I can't remember the name of but that I love, I think it's In Christ Alone.  One of the lines goes  From life's first cry to final breath, Jesus controls my destiny. I always think when I hear those lines how short your life was, from first cry to final breath...but still Jesus did control your destiny, and mine, and now you are there with Him.  I don't grieve for you.  I know you are happy.  I grieve for me.  I grieve selfishly.  I want you here with me.
There will be a baby dedication at the church sometime soon.  I read it in the bulletin and it made me sooo sad.  It is one of the things that I regret so much, that we never had you dedicated.  We couldn't fit it in before Brian left for Germany and by the time he came back you were in Heaven...We could have done it at the hospital but I didn't think you would die before Brian came back. And then you did.
I replay your last moments over and over again.  How could this happen to my sweet baby girl?  Eva, Eva, Eva...did you hear me as I screamed your name in your ear over and over again or were you already in the arms of an angel? 
I won't go to the baby dedication when it happens.  I will be able to do nothing but cry as I watch the two babies on the stage where there should have been three.  I feel like such a bad mother that I wasn't able to protect you enough to keep you here.  What kind of mother lets their child die in front of their eyes?  I did everything I could, but everything I could wasn't good enough, and still you died.
Every night I go to sleep and pray that God would let me dream of you so that I could at least hold you in my dreams....every night I do not dream of you.  If only I could hold you in my dreams...if only I could see that you were okay in my dreams...but nothing...no dreams...only wishes.
5 long months of wishes that can't come true.  5 long months of wishing for you.  5 long months of crying for you. 5 long months of hurting.  5 long months of being stretched so far I thought I would snap.  5 long months of breathing without you...it seems like a miracle that I am able to breathe without you. 
I love you so much my sweet Eva. I miss you so much.
Always your mama...always.

Good bye Moses the Cat.

Good bye Moses the cat.

Moses came into our lives in October 2004.  We had no children.  I was in my 3rd/4th year of university and there was an ad on a bulletin board.  Free Cat!  Moses came with a litter box that we still have, was neutered and declawed (cruel, but kinda nice for us, actually).  Moses' name was Mojo...we preferred Moses...it suited him and we later joked we would get two more cats or dogs or whatever and name them Aaron and Myriam...

Mike did not really want a cat.

When I came home with Moses I told Mike we only had to keep him one week and if he still didn't want a cat I'd actively try to find him a home.  When I opened the cat carrier, Moses bolted under the couch...a few minutes later Mike was on his hands and knees trying to coax him out...and the rest, as they say, is history.

Anyway, the weeks turned into months and years, as they are apt to do and Samuel came along.  One funny thing I remember so clearly is a time when Samuel was about 4 months old (and weighed roughly the same as a large male cat). Samuel fell asleep on Mike's chest...Mike fell asleep too.  Samuel awoke and after I picked him up was quickly replaced on said chest by Moses the cat...Mike twitched and Moses leaped!  Mike leaped after him....thinking it was Samuel jumping off his chest...I'll never forget the look on Mike's face! 

The years bumbled along and we added Vincent, Theodore and Eva to our family.  Moses was always the perfect cat for children...didn't take endless beatings but never defended himself too much either, just removed himself from the situation with dignity...sometimes he bit the rougher kiddos but never broke the skin.  Moses' favourite spot to sleep was on Mike's chest...just like all the other kids in this house.

This past summer Moses got less and less attention as we all rallied around Eva...nonetheless he never held a grudge and when Mike was available, Moses was there, purring away. 

Today I went to town with the kids.  When we came home Moses was lying in his usual spot on our bed.  He did not move when I came in and his eyes were open in a weird way.  I touched him and still no response...

It is with sorrow that we bid adieu to another loved member of our family.  There are various opinions as to whether cats go to Heaven, and while I do not know the answer to this question and the bible does not make it really clear I know that I serve an awesome God and I know that God knows when even a sparrow falls and God takes care of His creation...a nice thought is that maybe Moses the cat is hiding in the bushes while Eva dances by...

*I have tried for the past hour to upload a picture of Moses, to no avail...I am giving up and going to bed.

Happy New Year.

Happy New Year! Happy New Year?  These words are said with so little thought....what is a happy new year...in all reality our year will have joy and sorrow.  In January, 2011 I wished everyone a Happy New Year...little did I know it would be the worst year of my life...I hope.  Now, I'm almost afraid to wish anyone a Happy New Year...what if this year is just as bad for you as last year was for me?  I'm afraid to say congratulations to my pregnant friends...what if their baby dies too? 
I've been reading the bible alot lately and somewhere in James he admonishes us not to say that we will be somewhere or do something at such and such a time...we should really say we will do such and such, if the Lord wills...if the Lord wills.  If I were talking about Eva I would have prayed that she live (here on earth) if the Lord wills...that can only mean that the Lord didn't will Eva should live here with me...I am trying to incorporate, if the Lord wills into my daily life...but how do you say congratulations to your pregnant friend...if the Lord wills...surely I will be running out of friends soon.  Happy New Year, if the Lord wills.

If the Lord wills...why didn't the Lord will?  The answer to this question is one I will never know this side of Heaven yet I must believe it was the Lord's will that she go home to Him on August 15th 2011...

Tonight at supper Samuel was telling me all about how he was going to die before it was his time to die...before me.  He said then I would cry and cry and wouldn't even drive anywhere...I said he was right, I would cry and cry.  He is so inquisitive about everything and did Cain get killed after he killed Abel (no...why not? he killed his brother, he should be killed too).  Samuel can't wait to get to Heaven and play with Eva again but he also wants to grow up and have a little girl and name her Eva so I'm hoping he's not being prophetic when he says that he's going to die before me.  One child dead before me is too many...the nice thing about the passing of time is that I am one day closer to seeing Eva again...how many days Lord, how many days?

I just finished up reading 40 weeks by Paige Beselt (thank you Arlene) and somewhere in there she says that she had these misconceptions about Heaven...like Heaven is the second choice when we pray for healing.  I had to stop and stare and cry when I read that....yes, Eva is healed in Heaven...her heart is completely whole and she is not on any drugs and no one is giving her a needle or forcing her to take meds 5 times a day...she is healed...but still I miss her.  I miss her gummy smile and I cry when I remember that she had just a little bit of one bottom tooth poking through when she died...that tooth would never grow even though it was there, perfectly formed, waiting to grow. How many teeth would she have now? How many teeth does she actually have now, in Heaven?