On Pink flowers and White balloons.

I went to Cowboy Church today.  There was a really old lady there that I didn`t recognize.  She was beautiful.  I cried when I looked at her and I knew my Eva would never be a really old lady or a mother or a grandmother.  So many lost dreams in that sweet girl. 

On Friday, the boys and I were outside Costco and a white balloon was floating up to the sky.  Likely some child was crying for it not too far away but Samuel and Vincent immediately noticed it and said, oh, there goes a balloon to Heaven for Eva. Then today came along with it`s unforeseen tears and smiles and flowers and another white balloon of which I write about below:

I was just breathing today and my neighbour came over with pink carnations from the young ladies at our church.  Pink is always Eva's colour.  The sweetness of those flowers coming after all the funeral flowers have dried up was so much to me.

Then tonight I was reading a blog by another babyloss mama http://sonsarelikebirds.blogspot.com/ and I came across a memorial about Lori`s son, Jonah. Jonah`s mom and dad and others released balloons on Jonah's one year anniversary.  Jonah's mom painted the names of babies that she knew who had died....I scrolled down through the photos of these white balloons with names on them, sort of hoping, but not expecting, there might be one for Eva.  Some of the names were easy to read and some were obscured and then, then I came across this photo and it took my breath away.  To see her name so clearly against a cloud of white balloons against a New York sky I haven't seen in years and years and likely never will again...I felt like it was for me. These balloons, this photo, these pink flowers.  They were for me.


Thank you Lori. I had no idea it would mean so much to me to see her name like this.  You even wrote the E the same way I do.

...and, of course, Jonah.

All this comes in the days leading up to the 6 month anniversary of losing Eva.  The days leading up to the `big day` which is halfway through every month are some of the hardest days amidst so much hard, and these flowers and these balloons have helped me get through one more.  Thank you.

Good bye Moses the Cat.

Good bye Moses the cat.

Moses came into our lives in October 2004.  We had no children.  I was in my 3rd/4th year of university and there was an ad on a bulletin board.  Free Cat!  Moses came with a litter box that we still have, was neutered and declawed (cruel, but kinda nice for us, actually).  Moses' name was Mojo...we preferred Moses...it suited him and we later joked we would get two more cats or dogs or whatever and name them Aaron and Myriam...

Mike did not really want a cat.

When I came home with Moses I told Mike we only had to keep him one week and if he still didn't want a cat I'd actively try to find him a home.  When I opened the cat carrier, Moses bolted under the couch...a few minutes later Mike was on his hands and knees trying to coax him out...and the rest, as they say, is history.

Anyway, the weeks turned into months and years, as they are apt to do and Samuel came along.  One funny thing I remember so clearly is a time when Samuel was about 4 months old (and weighed roughly the same as a large male cat). Samuel fell asleep on Mike's chest...Mike fell asleep too.  Samuel awoke and after I picked him up was quickly replaced on said chest by Moses the cat...Mike twitched and Moses leaped!  Mike leaped after him....thinking it was Samuel jumping off his chest...I'll never forget the look on Mike's face! 

The years bumbled along and we added Vincent, Theodore and Eva to our family.  Moses was always the perfect cat for children...didn't take endless beatings but never defended himself too much either, just removed himself from the situation with dignity...sometimes he bit the rougher kiddos but never broke the skin.  Moses' favourite spot to sleep was on Mike's chest...just like all the other kids in this house.

This past summer Moses got less and less attention as we all rallied around Eva...nonetheless he never held a grudge and when Mike was available, Moses was there, purring away. 

Today I went to town with the kids.  When we came home Moses was lying in his usual spot on our bed.  He did not move when I came in and his eyes were open in a weird way.  I touched him and still no response...

It is with sorrow that we bid adieu to another loved member of our family.  There are various opinions as to whether cats go to Heaven, and while I do not know the answer to this question and the bible does not make it really clear I know that I serve an awesome God and I know that God knows when even a sparrow falls and God takes care of His creation...a nice thought is that maybe Moses the cat is hiding in the bushes while Eva dances by...

*I have tried for the past hour to upload a picture of Moses, to no avail...I am giving up and going to bed.

Happy New Year.

Happy New Year! Happy New Year?  These words are said with so little thought....what is a happy new year...in all reality our year will have joy and sorrow.  In January, 2011 I wished everyone a Happy New Year...little did I know it would be the worst year of my life...I hope.  Now, I'm almost afraid to wish anyone a Happy New Year...what if this year is just as bad for you as last year was for me?  I'm afraid to say congratulations to my pregnant friends...what if their baby dies too? 
I've been reading the bible alot lately and somewhere in James he admonishes us not to say that we will be somewhere or do something at such and such a time...we should really say we will do such and such, if the Lord wills...if the Lord wills.  If I were talking about Eva I would have prayed that she live (here on earth) if the Lord wills...that can only mean that the Lord didn't will Eva should live here with me...I am trying to incorporate, if the Lord wills into my daily life...but how do you say congratulations to your pregnant friend...if the Lord wills...surely I will be running out of friends soon.  Happy New Year, if the Lord wills.

If the Lord wills...why didn't the Lord will?  The answer to this question is one I will never know this side of Heaven yet I must believe it was the Lord's will that she go home to Him on August 15th 2011...

Tonight at supper Samuel was telling me all about how he was going to die before it was his time to die...before me.  He said then I would cry and cry and wouldn't even drive anywhere...I said he was right, I would cry and cry.  He is so inquisitive about everything and did Cain get killed after he killed Abel (no...why not? he killed his brother, he should be killed too).  Samuel can't wait to get to Heaven and play with Eva again but he also wants to grow up and have a little girl and name her Eva so I'm hoping he's not being prophetic when he says that he's going to die before me.  One child dead before me is too many...the nice thing about the passing of time is that I am one day closer to seeing Eva again...how many days Lord, how many days?

I just finished up reading 40 weeks by Paige Beselt (thank you Arlene) and somewhere in there she says that she had these misconceptions about Heaven...like Heaven is the second choice when we pray for healing.  I had to stop and stare and cry when I read that....yes, Eva is healed in Heaven...her heart is completely whole and she is not on any drugs and no one is giving her a needle or forcing her to take meds 5 times a day...she is healed...but still I miss her.  I miss her gummy smile and I cry when I remember that she had just a little bit of one bottom tooth poking through when she died...that tooth would never grow even though it was there, perfectly formed, waiting to grow. How many teeth would she have now? How many teeth does she actually have now, in Heaven?