Going to church

I used to love going to church. It was the perfect bookend to the week. I loved the singing. I loved seeing my friends that I often only saw there. I loved the worship of my Lord. I loved how the kids went to Sunday School. I loved it all. 
Now I prepare myself for church. I think, ok, this week I can do it emotionally. This week I can look at the people I love as they smile at each other and often at me. This week I can sing without the tears washing down my face.
Every week I am surprised by the sadness that overwhelms me there. I sit in my chair and hold one of my sons and I cry, I cry for the little girl that is not there with us. Every week I am surprised by how much the sweetness of one of the little babies at church stabs me in the heart. Every week I am surprised by how I can't look my friends in the eye or talk about baby things with them, like I used to.
Every week I think I have a handle on it and every week I am surprised by the intensity of my grief in church.
This past Sunday my husband said maybe I should stay home from church for awhile. Part of me is thrilled. Avoid the horribleness of being in church with all those people. Part of me is so sad that something I loved so much is now something I would rather avoid. 


*Just to be clear. I am still standing on the solid rock of Jesus, despite it all...it`s just the actual going to church that is so hard...among so many hard things.

5 long months

My sweet princess Eva,
It's been 5 long months since you left us to go home.  You would be 15 months old today. There are babies who are older now than you were when you died who were younger than you in August.  It hurts to see them growing up when you are forever my unchanging daughter.
I have a necklace with your picture on it.  It's beautiful. Your brothers kiss it sometimes.   I wish they were kissing you instead. I wish I did not have this stupid necklace and that you were safely sleeping in your crib. We all miss you so much.
Today has just been so hard.  I feel like my heart has been ripped out afresh.  I bought Heaven is For Real for kids on Friday at Shepherd's Fold.  I do so hope that Heaven really is like that.  I hope that Moses is purring in your lap.  My heart aches at not getting to hold you and especially not getting to rub my lips against your downy hair.  All I have is what we snipped off at the hospital and put in a baggie. 
We went to church today and we sang a song that I can't remember the name of but that I love, I think it's In Christ Alone.  One of the lines goes  From life's first cry to final breath, Jesus controls my destiny. I always think when I hear those lines how short your life was, from first cry to final breath...but still Jesus did control your destiny, and mine, and now you are there with Him.  I don't grieve for you.  I know you are happy.  I grieve for me.  I grieve selfishly.  I want you here with me.
There will be a baby dedication at the church sometime soon.  I read it in the bulletin and it made me sooo sad.  It is one of the things that I regret so much, that we never had you dedicated.  We couldn't fit it in before Brian left for Germany and by the time he came back you were in Heaven...We could have done it at the hospital but I didn't think you would die before Brian came back. And then you did.
I replay your last moments over and over again.  How could this happen to my sweet baby girl?  Eva, Eva, Eva...did you hear me as I screamed your name in your ear over and over again or were you already in the arms of an angel? 
I won't go to the baby dedication when it happens.  I will be able to do nothing but cry as I watch the two babies on the stage where there should have been three.  I feel like such a bad mother that I wasn't able to protect you enough to keep you here.  What kind of mother lets their child die in front of their eyes?  I did everything I could, but everything I could wasn't good enough, and still you died.
Every night I go to sleep and pray that God would let me dream of you so that I could at least hold you in my dreams....every night I do not dream of you.  If only I could hold you in my dreams...if only I could see that you were okay in my dreams...but nothing...no dreams...only wishes.
5 long months of wishes that can't come true.  5 long months of wishing for you.  5 long months of crying for you. 5 long months of hurting.  5 long months of being stretched so far I thought I would snap.  5 long months of breathing without you...it seems like a miracle that I am able to breathe without you. 
I love you so much my sweet Eva. I miss you so much.
Always your mama...always.