My treasure, my sweet...

My dearest Eva, my treasure, my sweet,

It's coming on the 15th again. The anniversary of your birth and your death all rolled into one for this sad mama. How I miss you my darling. You are ever-present in my heart and mind. I may appear to be engaged with others but you are always there with me, dancing in my peripheral vision. What would you be doing if you were here? It is the question I ask myself every day...the question without an answer.

On Friday I was shopping and I bought a little something for all the kids...I had to buy you something too. I bought you blue butterfly hairbows. They would have looked so amazing with your beautiful blue eyes. Of course, you can't wear them, and nothing can bring them to you. But they are yours. I just had to buy you something. Had to carry that little bitty card with the hair bows home wishing all the while that you were here and I could put them in your hair.

Some may think my mind is cracking, but the truth is much worse than that. The truth is that it is my heart that is not only cracked, but completely broken open. One can live with a cracked mind but what I don't understand is how I have managed and continue to manage to live with this broken heart.  Every evening I am surprised I have lived through another day without you. Every day I miss you but as the 15th draws closer, so do you, and I miss you even more. The 15th is for you. Always.  How I wish you could have stayed longer with us. How I wish I never knew this depth of pain and you were here in my arms...or trying to squirm away and go play. How I wish the 15th was only a happy day. A day where you were another month older. A day that could go by, scarcely noticed until it was your birthday again.

Eva darling, your mama misses you so. Every night I pray to dream of you and I never do. Maybe it would be too painful to wake up without you but what I wouldn't do to hold you in my arms again, even if only in my dreams.

I love you my sweet. Good night my darling, my love.
Your mama.

5 long months

My sweet princess Eva,
It's been 5 long months since you left us to go home.  You would be 15 months old today. There are babies who are older now than you were when you died who were younger than you in August.  It hurts to see them growing up when you are forever my unchanging daughter.
I have a necklace with your picture on it.  It's beautiful. Your brothers kiss it sometimes.   I wish they were kissing you instead. I wish I did not have this stupid necklace and that you were safely sleeping in your crib. We all miss you so much.
Today has just been so hard.  I feel like my heart has been ripped out afresh.  I bought Heaven is For Real for kids on Friday at Shepherd's Fold.  I do so hope that Heaven really is like that.  I hope that Moses is purring in your lap.  My heart aches at not getting to hold you and especially not getting to rub my lips against your downy hair.  All I have is what we snipped off at the hospital and put in a baggie. 
We went to church today and we sang a song that I can't remember the name of but that I love, I think it's In Christ Alone.  One of the lines goes  From life's first cry to final breath, Jesus controls my destiny. I always think when I hear those lines how short your life was, from first cry to final breath...but still Jesus did control your destiny, and mine, and now you are there with Him.  I don't grieve for you.  I know you are happy.  I grieve for me.  I grieve selfishly.  I want you here with me.
There will be a baby dedication at the church sometime soon.  I read it in the bulletin and it made me sooo sad.  It is one of the things that I regret so much, that we never had you dedicated.  We couldn't fit it in before Brian left for Germany and by the time he came back you were in Heaven...We could have done it at the hospital but I didn't think you would die before Brian came back. And then you did.
I replay your last moments over and over again.  How could this happen to my sweet baby girl?  Eva, Eva, Eva...did you hear me as I screamed your name in your ear over and over again or were you already in the arms of an angel? 
I won't go to the baby dedication when it happens.  I will be able to do nothing but cry as I watch the two babies on the stage where there should have been three.  I feel like such a bad mother that I wasn't able to protect you enough to keep you here.  What kind of mother lets their child die in front of their eyes?  I did everything I could, but everything I could wasn't good enough, and still you died.
Every night I go to sleep and pray that God would let me dream of you so that I could at least hold you in my dreams....every night I do not dream of you.  If only I could hold you in my dreams...if only I could see that you were okay in my dreams...but nothing...no dreams...only wishes.
5 long months of wishes that can't come true.  5 long months of wishing for you.  5 long months of crying for you. 5 long months of hurting.  5 long months of being stretched so far I thought I would snap.  5 long months of breathing without you...it seems like a miracle that I am able to breathe without you. 
I love you so much my sweet Eva. I miss you so much.
Always your mama...always.