Tuesday, May 28, 2013

What's worse?

What's worse...

A few days after Eva's death some teenage boys died in a horrible car crash in our town.

Someone told me it would be easier for me to lose Eva at 10 months old because I didn't have 14 years with her...

I tell you, at that time, I would have killed to have 14 YEARS with Eva.

What's worse...

I know so many moms who have had to say goodbye to their newborns without ever hearing their cries.

10 months compared to not one breath. How long we had.

What's worse...

A mama I know had 2 1/2 days with her precious daughter. How do you fit a lifetime of love into 2 1/2 days?

What's worse...

A 13 month old baby girl just died after much medical intervention.

What's worse...

A boy I know lost his fight with cancer at age two.

What's worse...

Nathan's namesake dropped in church and officially died the next day, at age 5, of pulmonary hypertension.

What's worse...

A 15 year old girl committed suicide last year in our community.

What's worse...

A 20 year old boy dropped dead at his parents' table without warning.

What's worse...

I'll tell you what the worst is. The worst is what you've grieving through.

When Eva died Mike told me he felt this profound loss of potential.

We knew Eva's voice but never heard her say mom or dad. We saw Eva's smile but never saw her take her first steps. We don't know if she would have liked ballet or hip hop or jazz...hamburgers or chicken fingers...a girly girl or a tomboy...a bookworm or computer savvy...there's so much we'll never know...

No, we didn't have 2 or 5 or 14 or 20 years with Eva. But there is so much we do have of her. We have 10 whole months of Eva. 10 whole months of holding her. 10 whole months of memories. 10 whole months.

Some have no cries, no breastfeeding, no smiles, no cuddling a warm baby.

We have so little and yet we have so much.

The main thing we have is our hope of seeing her again.  Being welcomed into heaven by our precious girl.

And when I look at Nathan I cannot imagine saying goodbye 8 1/2 months from now. I cannot imagine walking into our room and seeing him lifeless in his crib...and yet, I can imagine it. Too well, and daily.

How dare anyone compare the pain of losing a child? How dare people tell me that it's easier to lose Eva at 10 months than as a teenager? How dare anyone tell moms who have never heard their sweet baby cry that their loss is less than mine because they never really 'knew' their baby. There is no comparing what's worse...and don't, don't even think it...

Look at these two boys. One firstborn, one lastborn...what could be worse...losing Samuel at six years old with his dirty feet and knowing the sound of his laughter or losing his brother Nathan at six weeks old  with his perfectly kissable toes but never knowing the sound of his joy...what's worse...

 
Here is a random joyful moment from our photo shoot where, to Samuel's delight, Nathan wouldn't let go of his finger.
 
And one more thing, don't tell me you know how I feel because your dog died. I'm sorry your dog died. When I was 25 the dog I had had since I was 15 died and I thought it was terrible. But I'll tell you it was nothing, nothing compared to the death of Eva. I highly recommend you never compare anyone's dead child to your dead dog, no matter how wonderful your dog was.
 
 
 
 




6 comments:

  1. There's no worse. And there sure as hell isn't any "better" either. With you on the pet thing.

    So little and so much, yes, yes, yes. I am so very grateful for 41 weeks of pregnancy, and for the hours he spent on this earth. I am sad for all that we have and will miss, but so grateful for all I had with him, and the gifts he brought.

    As a mother of boys, you know that photo calls for some kind of "pull my finger" joke...

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    1. Get it on the 'pull my finger' joke. So little and so much.

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  2. <3 You always echo my thoughts so well. I look forward to reading and walking this journey with you. I wrote about a similar topic here: http://www.glowinthewoods.com/home/2012/8/21/equations.html

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    1. SPS, I actually read this article of yours when you initially wrote it. It may even have been how I decided to start following your blog.

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  3. One of the things that has gotten me through our loss has been the knowledge that I had 40w4d with him, feeling him kicking and moving around inside of me. And after he was born we got to hold him and kiss and love on him. We have pictures. I know there are women out there that never get more than a few days or weeks carrying their babies.
    What I wouldn't give for just a few hours of life with him though.

    One of my (around the corner) neighbours saw us outside constantly last summer when she was walking her two dogs, and we would always chat with her because Emily wanted to see her dogs. At the end of August when I was clearly no longer hugely pregnant and didn't have a newborn, she went on and on about having to put her (very old with diabetes) dog down and how hard the loss was. Seriously?

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    1. It never ceases to astound me how many people compare the death of a child to the death of a pet.

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