Tuesday, May 14, 2013

One month

Our rainbow is one month old today. Tomorrow Eva would be 31 months old.

She has been gone from us for 21 months. 21 months! Seems like an eternity and a moment. How is it possible that she has been gone long enough for us to have another baby...and all the extenuous circumstances of his conception...

Had the doctors not made a judgement error on her heart surgery Eva would most likely have lived. However, had she lived she would have likely needed a heart transplant.

I often wonder which child is alive today because they got the heart that would have been for Eva.

I saw a girl once at RMH who was the same size as Eva who had just had a heart transplant...I had so much jealousy of this child that got, I imagined, the heart that Eva could have had. I know (trust me) that there is more to a heart transplant than simply size (but that is one of the factors).

My rational brain knows what my heart refuses to believe. Eva is dead. She is still dead. She will be dead every day for the rest of my life. And, even with a rainbow snuggled up in my arms, I will never, ever have all my children together with me in this life.


  1. Your last sentence was one of the most difficult things for me to wrap my head around (and I still really haven't been able to do it), that my family will never again on this earth be all together again. There aren't any pictures of all of us together including Caleb and Elisabeth and never will be...ever. I can definitely relate. ((((hugs))))

  2. I didn't realize the surgeon made a judgement error during Eva's surgery ... that's gotta be tough to swallow, on top of everything else.