Monday, March 24, 2014

The life I wasn't given.

Sometimes I grieve the life it feels I should have had. Three boys. One Eva. Eva would be three now. Out of diapers. Walking. Doing stuff. 

And I love Nathan. God I love him so much. But it's hard doing this baby stuff again sometimes. Especially right now. I'm tired. So tired. Nathan has been sick for over two weeks now. It's been worrisome and stressful. His breathing is better but now he has a double ear infection, antibiotics and a fever. He's grouchy and wants to be held all day. And the boys are wild. Of course they would be wild anyway but it's just so exhausting when mama is exhausted already. And I know Eva would have been sick a lot too. But...but, but,but...I guess the short of it is I just miss her and miss the parallel life I could have maybe had. The life uncomplicated by darkness and grief. The life I wasn't given. 

It's hard sometimes to embrace the life I have. As grateful as I am for what I do have. 

And I'm looking for a sitter for a weekend for two kids and I'm having such a hard time finding one. There is so much happening the weekend I need and everyone is busy. As are we, which is why I need a sitter. Combine that with exhaustion, two weeks plus of a sick, cranky baby and a lack of functional grandparents in our lives who would, under better circumstances, have loved to take a couple kids for one weekend. And I go back to my parallel life where I would be looking for someone for one child only and it would be much easier to find...

I guess I'm mostly just tired. Exhausted really. And missing my girl. Missing my parallel life that I don't have. 


  1. Praying for you this morning. Hope you are able to find rest physically and also spiritually with Jesus--feeling His presence and His comfort. ((hugs))