I've been struggling a lot lately.
Struggling so much that I don't even know where to start anymore...
Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning in it all...
Struggling with the passive-agressive ignoranceof A, who used to be my friend.
Struggling with being excluded by A in our small homeschool peer-group.
Struggling with feeling like I'm back in grade six and not invited to the party.
Struggling with my emotions.
Struggling with feeling like I should be feeling better.
Struggling with holding it all in cause, after all, it's been two years since Eva died.
Struggling with the fallout of holding it all in and then it all comes gushing out inappropriately.
Struggling with just plain missing Eva so much.
Struggling with wishful thinking as her third birthday approaches.
Struggling with looking pretty good on the outside while completely falling apart on the inside.
Struggling with the fact that this will never go away. She will never be not dead on this earth.
Struggling with all the years that lay ahead of me without her.
Struggling with the fact that in order to see her again I will have to say good bye, for a time, to my children living here.
Struggling with life and how much it sucks so often.
Struggling with other three year olds and how much I wish mine could be almost three too.
Struggling with being misunderstood.
Struggling with how to respond.
Struggling with staying away from A and yet wanting to resolve what's going on.
Struggling with my motivation...do I really want to resolve this or do I just want to prove a point now?
Struggling with wondering if it's even worth it...why salvage relational garbage anyway?
Struggling with my marriage as we grieve our precious daughter in different ways.
And through it all struggling with my sadness and anger always, and learning to lean on the Lord through my struggles. He is the only ROCK in uncertain times.
Still, struggling. There is no free pass.