Wednesday, September 11, 2013

The Good Life

I'm living the good life. 

So much in my life is simply good. So much.

Eva's death is the One Terrible Thing that has happened in my life. But the magnitude of her loss is just so great it overshadows all the goodness in my life.

I keep writing this blog because when Eva first died I was at a loss to find a babyloss or childloss blog still active over two years old. I wondered what my grief would look like in one year, two years, three years.

I want to be a lifeline here to bereaved mamas searching and wondering if they will even keep living till tomorrow.

I know you don't want to. I didn't. I wished to die in those early days. Honestly, some days now I still do. But the pain is far, far less. The missing, wishing, wanting and loving. Oh, those are still there, and more. But the pain, well, it's far less gut wrenching.

Now I am dealing more with the fallout of that first year. I still care and wonder exactly what I did to A that was so terrible she completely stopped talking to me.

I still wish there could be true reconciliation with K in my church. Wish to know why she felt it so pressing to tell me how I was grieving wrong three months after Eva died.

I still wonder why R felt it necessary to take upon herself the duty of excluding Eva from our family calendar.

I would love to sit down and just have a frank discussion with all three of these women. Because, for the life of me I cannot understand their behaviour. I would like to know what they're thinking. To agree or disagree but just to know why they would act that way. I am learning, however, that no matter how much I want that, it will not happen. I would like to stop caring. But all that is a part of Eva and of her death is just so big. I just can't let it go like I may have been able to at other times in my life. I don't know why I care. Because A, K, and R are minuscule. They are NOTHING compared to losing Eva.

But they still breathe while Eva does not.

This post was not to be about those three that continue to haunt me. It was supposed to be about how really good my life is so let's get back to the agenda shall we?

I want to move forward a little with this blog. Talk more about Samuel, Vincent, Theodore, Little J, and Nathan. I've tried. But every time it seems like this is my space to parent Eva. My space to give her space in our family.

Eva has no spot at our table. She has no bed. No bedroom. No toys. She does have a shelf. She does have a room in my heart and soon a tattoo on my wrist. She also has this blog.

So, while I often feel like 'moving forward' to my simply good life sometimes. Eva draws me back. My love for her grows while my ability to parent her diminishes. It's been over two years since I held her. Over two years since I did anything for her, physically. How can we parent our dead children? Because, parent them we must. They are ours. They are our children, and love continues on.

But I want you all to know that life can be simply good again. Probably, one day, it even will be good again for you. Unfathomable I  know.

Try not to burn down relationships, as I have. However, sometimes burning down those relationships can leave room for beautiful, healthy new growth amidst the wreckage. Bizarre but true.

It's easy to say you don't care and those jerks are just not worth your time...but the truth is (for me anyway) that I do care. I care a lot. life is still good. And sometimes I can't believe how really good it is. How lucky I really am. Despite that huge loss that overshadows everything.

I am so lucky to have had a daughter named Eva. I am so lucky to have held her precious body alive. I am so lucky to have her smile to look forward to in Heaven. I am so lucky to have her three older brothers who remember her and love her. I am so lucky to have sweet Little J in our lives. I am so lucky to have chubby Nathan peering at me from his/Eva's highchair. I am so lucky to have Mike who works so hard. I am so lucky to have a functional relationship with my mom. I am so lucky to have had the true friends that really stuck by me through the darkest time in my life. I am so lucky to live where I do. I am so lucky to be living the good life. Yes I am. So lucky indeed.