Monday, July 8, 2013

Loving too much

When Nathan was born I held him and admired him and just stared at him for hours and hours. I could not get enough of him. I could not believe he was actually really real and really here.

And I was terrified. His sheer tininess magnified the largeness of my fears in losing him.

Now I can spend hours watching him sleep. Watching his chest move up and down.

Sometimes I wonder if I love him too much. I am scared that God is going to take him too...because I love him too much. Love him so much my heart hurts in another way.

I know too many families who have lost more than one child to imagine that I am in any way immune from losing another one of my precious children.

Vincent asks me almost every night these days if he thinks he is going to die that night. I say, no, I don't think you are going to die tonight. My children often talk about how they want to die and go to heaven to be with Eva. I tell them I want to die first. I hate these conversations but I love that heaven is part of our daily life. Because eternity is what matters...

This is me admiring Nathan in his first few weeks of life outside. I spent hours in that chair just taking him in.
I love these kiddos sooo cream faces and all...just one missing...


  1. I love the pictures! :) Hugs to you. ~Renee

  2. I often feel the same way about Abigail, scared that God will take her away too. I think its beautiful that your family has conversations about Heaven that come so naturally. I hope ours is like that too some day, though I wish we didn't have someone in Heaven waiting for us. Eternity is all that matters and Eva and Caleb have shown us that for sure. Adorable pictures!

  3. I tell Leif that I want to die before him. I tell him that I don't want anything to happen to him. I'm always so scared that something is going to happen to him that sometimes I feel a little crazy about it.

    I wish all your kiddos were in that photo. I wish Eva wasn't missing. Sending love and light.

    1. I totally get it. I feel crazy too. I don't know why I don't feel crazy for my older would think I would too. I can only hope I get less crazy as Nathan passes the 10 month mark.

  4. Oh, Em. I get it. I realized a whole new facet of love for my living boy after Nathaniel died. I didn't realize how dear his every breath was to me. I took it for granted. Now, it's added a new level of parenting - how do I guide him and teach him if, when it comes right down to it, I am just so happy that he's alive? Is that even doing him justice? It definitely shapes which battles I pick, and not always in a good way.