I am not at any risk for killing myself but I can understand, without condoning, those who do. The pain is just so ever present. Even in laughter and joy the pain of separation is always there.
The first year after Eva died I dragged myself to church every Sunday (don't ask me why, but I did). The songs stuck in my throat. Sunglasses were my ever present companion and my cheeks were chapped from weeping. I would stand there and pinch my arm as hard as I could. Feeling something, anything other than the pain of loss was less painful than the missing of her.
And I can understand why people start to booze or do drugs or kill themselves. Anything, anything to make the pain stop. I'm not there but I can understand it. Understand the emotional desperation that drives people over the edge. Oh yes. I can understand it.
I don't think that the pain ever leaves. I do think that the periods of pain usually get shorter and not as often, but just as deep as when it first happened.
ReplyDeleteIf it wasn't for my children here on earth I don't think that I would be alive today. I knew that I had to keep going on because they needed me. I also think that even if you don't have any living children the world is a better place with you in it because there are so many hurting people out there and it is comforting to know that others understand our pain.
Wish I could stop your pain Em, but then again if the pain stopped we would question our love for our beloved children. A lose-lose situation at times. ugh.
(((hugs))) my friend,
Cheryl
Yes. If I'd not had my older children I'd certainly have killed myself. I can see how easy it would be to turn to substances as well.
ReplyDeleteI pinch myself too in attempt to curb tears.