Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Three years minus one month.

July 15th three years ago we took this picture of our sweetie in her hopeful yellow dress.
We thought our miracle girl had 'made it'. Never in our wildest nightmares did we think that exactly one month later our dreams would be shattered forever.

Three years minus one month since she's been gone.

I can't begin to imagine how beautiful she would be now. 

I wish I knew.

Tuesday, July 8, 2014


My favourite colour is red. Not bright red, bordering on orange. Deep red. Rich red. Earthy red. It has taken me awhile to fully embrace my love of red. But now that I have, I'm enjoying it. 

With that in mind, it stands to reason that my little girl, a smaller, paler version of myself should be pink. Of course.

At birth I gave all my kids a colour. I don't know why but I did. Samuel is orange. Vincent is green. Theodore is blue. Eva was and is pink. Nathan, however, is rainbow...and Josie, sweet little Josie, I gave her purple when she first arrived but after Eva died I couldn't stand her being very feminine so I changed her to yellow. But she has always loved purple. I have healed over the years and I can put Josie in a dress, even buy one for her. I can embrace (a little bit) her love of all things frilly and girly without stabs of jealousy sparking through my soul. 

With this baby hopefully arriving in September I have decided to embrace Josie and the colour purple by giving this little joyful blessing the colour yellow. Yellow was also my favourite childhood colour and is such a joyful colour that I feel it also suits the name this little guy will hopefully receive, which means joy or joyful. His full name means 'joyful blessing' and I feel like he really will be that to our family and to me. A joyful blessing indeed.

For the record I don't force those colours on my kids I just let it happen and, as it happens, Vincent doesn't much care for green, gravitating to red instead. Samuel has stayed the course with orange (and sometimes red) while Theodore loves all things blue, especially light blue. We have yet to see for Nathan but he has a whole rainbow of colours to choose from. Josie, as you know, loves purple. 

Saturday, July 5, 2014

My sweet.

My sweet, 

I just miss you so much. I love you and my heart yearns for you. I wish you were here cheering on the fire trucks that went past our driveway this afternoon. I wish you were helping with the lemonade stand. I wish you were getting ready for bed and choosing pajamas. Splashing in the tub. Making a mess at supper. Talking too much...

As time has passed, the pain of missing you is less intense than what it was in the early days of breathing without you. But the reality of how much we are missing by not having you is getting more and more clear to me with every day that passes. 

I just miss you baby girl. What else can I say? You are always, always on my mind.

I love you so much. To the moon and back, and beyond.


Thursday, July 3, 2014

Signs and dreams

One thing I've wished, hoped and prayed for is to have some sign or dream of Eva.

I have received neither except for one dream but she was already dead. So not what I was hoping for at all.

Time and time again my big prayers remain unanswered. It feels like God is purposely silent where and when I need him most.

If you have received a dream or sign from your beloved I would love to hear about it. Please comment.

Much love, Em