Friday, January 31, 2014

So long

It has been almost two and a half years since my Eva left me. I know I am healing because I cannot tell you exactly how many days or weeks or even months it is since the most terrible day of my life. When once I could tell you how many hours it had been that I breathed without her.

And yet, I feel so lost and alone. So bereft without my girl. 

I just read about a mom who wrote a book about her experience of her daughters death. She started writing it nine months after her daughter died, she got it published by this time. It brought me back to the book I wrote about Eva's death. A book I long to publish. I haven't the gumption to get the manuscript to publishers. A book I would self publish if it wasn't a children's book and in need of illustrations. Even Jerry Sitter's book A Grace Disguised was published there years after his tragedy. 

And here I sit, barely managing to hang on. Barely managing to parent the children I am gifted with and  loving writing. And no book. No nothing. 

Maybe I am wallowing. 

But, honestly, it all feels like yesterday that she died. Yesterday and forever. And how is it that I am supposed to have accomplished anything when she just died yesterday,

A blogger I follow whose daughter died at age three, four years ago has done so much. When I first started following her she seemed so much further along the road of grief than I am. But she is less than two years ahead of me. And I still sit here broken. Grieving.

Another mom I have followed just lost their baby boy last week. Their son died peacefully. They all held him. They have been comforted since his death. 

There was no peace in Eva's death. If I close my eyes I am back in the emergency room screaming in my daughters ear to come back...

She never opened her eyes again and said good bye. She was gone, so gone...and I am alone with my tears.

I guess I just wonder when the fuck I'll get my life back and I know the answer to that is never but when will I be at ease with the new me?


  1. Oh Em. I can picture the scene of Eva's death, and your cries of desperation. So raw and painful. I cry for you, for the goneness.

    I too look at some bereaved parents who have Done Stuff. Written books, created charities, volunteered, just done.....stuff. And I haven't. I think I'm ok with that though, right now.

    Remember you created Eva's Ride. You have indeed done something big in that. And you've written a book. Maybe the time is not yet right to seek publication?

    If only I could give you the answers. If I had them I would.

  2. I so resonate with the feeling of when I will get my life back. People who do bad things go to prison and do their time and then get their lives back. We did nothing wrong and no matter how long or hard we grieve we will never get our babies back.

  3. You are truly an Amazing writer! I have read many past post and been on awa of how you communicate the truth so powerfully. I really belive God has a plan for your writing ( what you have already written and what is yet to be) don't think that just because your story is not yet told it will never be. God has a perfect unseen timing and I belive he has words to speak through you in his time! You have already encourage many and changed hearts through your Above Rubies article. Saying a prayer that you indeed minister to many through writing!

  4. Em - don't sell yourself short. You are a special mum with 5 bloody kids... it's amazing you can write a blog let alone juggle all that... and you do your most important job so well... looking after your children - that's the important thing - not writing a children;s book - you can publish it later x