Thursday, June 13, 2013

More than I ever wanted to know...

We are just home from Edmonton. Ah, Edmonton, city of many triggers...

Not only are we just home from Edmonton we went to the cardiology clinic at the Stollery. We saw so many doctors, nurses, social workers who remembered Eva. Who remembered her eyes and her smile. 

It was oh so painful to go there and also oh so healing. She is remembered.

We went to 4C where Eva stayed and I felt myself get carried away by magical thinking...like Eva was hiding in one of those rooms and, if I only looked hard enough, I could find her. But that wasn't to be.

We met with Eva's cardiologist, Dr. K. Dr. K went over Eva's autopsy report with us. Stab. He explained it to us and showed us photographs of Eva's heart and where the rupture is. Stab. We knew this already but he also confirmed to us that her death was a complication to surgery. Stab. How come my own heart has not broken from the pain, I cannot answer.

I'm home now with my own personal copy of Eva's chart and autopsy report, photos of her heart with the rupture (the size of a pencil tip) and official diagnoses (1. Idiopathic ventricular tachycardia. 2. Sudden death)

I never wanted to know the weight of my child's heart (49 grams). I never wanted to know the weight of her ovaries (0.7 grams each). Her ovaries. My grandchildren were already there. Her uterus. It will never be used to hold a baby within. I will never put my hand on her belly and feel a baby kick. There are so many losses with the loss of Eva.

Eva weighed 7kg when she died- 15 pounds. 15 pounds! She had gained a whole pound since she had last been weighed two weeks earlier. She was growing. She was improving. Until she died. Oh, child of my heart, daughter of my womb. I miss you so.

One of the most heart wrenching things for me in that autopsy report was the external report. The report of all that I have kissed, caressed, and loved. Cephalic hair is abundant, brown in color and measures 5cm in maximum length. Even her hair was growing. Oh, my sweet girl.  The left foot measures 9.2 cm and the right foot measures 9.2 cm. There are five toes on each side and are of normal shape and size. And I kissed every single one of those toes. Every single one.

In some ways I envy the guy who performed the autopsy (what are they called anyway?). He was the last one to touch her whole body. When I got her, there was a cloth wrapped around her torso to hide the scar of the autopsy. I didn't get to caress her belly or her chest.

I wish we had stayed longer in the hospital room with her. I wish we were still there. No matter how long I had stayed, I would have wished to have stayed longer. I'm sure I'm not the only one to feel that way. Cause the truth is, it is never long enough. Never long enough.

It's just coming on two years since Eva was admitted to the hospital on Father's Day weekend. In another two months it will be two years since my precious girl died. It's a long time to wait on an autopsy report and we did try to meet with Dr. K earlier but the Stollery is a five hour drive away for us and whenever we were in town, he was not.

And now I'm glad we waited two years to get this report because, while it feels like yesterday, it wasn't yesterday that she died. I am way more functional than I was even one year ago. I can read and retain information. And, no small thing,I have a baby to hug and to hold. Toes to kiss and the weight of Eva's little brother in my arms. Nathan Evan helps the most of all.

And that little brother also went to the cardiology clinic this week. He got an EKG and an echo and a holter monitor done. Everything looks normal for him. Thank you God.

Nathan Evan also weighs almost 13 pounds at two months old. By the time he is three months old he will probably weigh more than Eva did on her 10 month birthday. Her heaven day. I wonder how much she weighs in heaven...does anyone weigh anything there?

As Nathan was wrapped up and lying on the table getting the echo done we put a little toot-sweet on his soother so he would suck it more and lie still. I did not like holding him there. I think there is a part of me that still magically thinks that if I have another sick kid that I will, somehow, have Eva back; but when I held little Nathan on the table I cried. I do not want another sick kid. I want a very specific sick kid. My little sick Eva, whom I miss so much. I want to hold her for yet another echo. I want to sit next to her bed in recovery. I want to see Dr. K on a regular basis and have the nurses exclaim how big Eva is getting. I want to be in Edmonton for cardiology appointments for her.

Because, truth is, I much prefer living at home and sleeping in my own bed with my children down the hall than living in the hospital and sleeping on a cot next to my child. I do not miss the hospital. I miss what the hospital used to contain.






22 comments:

  1. Oh Em. Such emotional stuff.

    I refuse to read the report because I can't bear to know such details. I can't even use that word beginning with "a" as the thought of it all is so distressing.

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    1. alwaysthree,

      I could not say the F word in the same sentence as Evas name in the early days. It got easier now I can say Funeral and Autopsy with her name in the sentence. It is still awful, but possible.

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  2. Oh this post makes my heart hurt. I'm so sorry. I have read Finley's autopsy report. It is only one page long as it was conducted in Italy, and they clearly don't go into as much detail as we are used to here. It almost feels like it was for nothing, as we didn't really find anything out at all.

    In a random twist, I live in Edmonton. I had no idea you were so near by x

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    Replies
    1. That is a random twist. I know 2 other blms from Edmonton and 1 from Red Deer. Although I met them IRl at first. This is my first connection from blogging-and it is nice. The reason we have so much detail in our autopsy report is because we gave permission for a full autopsy when we meant to only give permission for her heart. But I did want to know how much she weighed when she died.

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    2. I grew up in Red Deer before I lived overseas and found my way back to Edmonton. Such a small world. How far from Edmonton are you?

      My consultant (doctor) in the UK said the autopsy reports there are normally at least 10 pages long, and that ours was just not as detailed as he was used to. It's hard.

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    3. We are about 5 hour drive from Edmonton. And, yes, our autopsy report was very detailed. Heart-wrenchingly detailed but having less detail would be hard too. Neither is something you ever want to read.

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  3. Emily's autopsy report was hard too. She died because of a wrong estimation of the shunt length. It was off by one mm.
    That was all I read. I don't know what else the report held...

    I swear sometimes I hear a baby crying in the other room, and I think it's Emily. No she really is gone...no matter how hard we look for our girls, they really are gone. ~Renee

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    1. 1 mm. 1mm in her heart. A pencil tip in size for Eva. My kids get scrapes bigger than that almost daily as they run around outside. And they do not die. It is all about location, location, location. Such a tiny thing wrong with our girls, and they are gone. Really, really gone...no matter how hard we look. I have never been so excited to get old and die.

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  4. I also wished that I could have had more time with Grace's body. My DH arranged the funeral home to pick her up and I was not ready to let go of her little body, even though she was cold and was not a good color anymore. But he was right, a few minutes or a few hours more would never have been enough.... Missing Eva with you.

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  5. Your trip: a time of precious memories of Eva, a time of pain receiving the autopsy report and a time of peace and rejoicing learning of Nathan's healthy heart. sending my love, hugs and prayers

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  6. Her uterus and ovaries, your grandchildren. How utterly heartbreaking, Momma. <3

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  7. It's the 15th today, Em, and I am thinking of you and your precious girl, Eva. Praying for you, too.

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    1. Thank you S. Thank you for remembering without a post. It was a very hard day yesterday. So hard I couldn't write, and that is a rare thing.

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  8. Thinking of you Em. That beautiful little girl that stole your heart. Its all so very frustrating and hard. ALl those broken promises.

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    1. All my broken hopes and dreams were never promised to me. Nowhere in the bible does it say "Parents, you shall die before your children".

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  10. "There are so many losses with the loss of Eva. " Yes. So many losses.

    I'm remembering Eva, here in Montreal. Sending love in these weeks as you near her second birthday, and as I near Liam's second birthday too. I wish they were both here. So much.

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    Replies
    1. Tash,
      Thank you. I'm glad you posted a photo of Leif. I'm not on instagram but I do follow your blog, whenever you post. What day is Liam's second birthday?

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