I feel like a fake. A fake with a fake smile. A fake attitude. A fake person who doesn't really care. A fake.
When you ask me how I'm doing and I say ok, then I feel like a fake. You don't really want to know and, really, I don't really want to tell you cause what I really am is a fake. I can fake being excited for your new haircut. I can fake smiling and talking and caring about your plans. I can even fake being happy for my children. But it's all fake. Cause, really, if you really want to know, I'm doing damn awful. But I don't want to tell you that and you don't want to hear it cause were all a bunch of fakes.
And one day last week I told someone who asked me how I was doing that my whole life was a fake...it was probably the most real thing I've said in awhile. The truth is that I'm a fake.
My grief counsellor asked me a long time ago if I could fake it...he said sometimes you just gotta fake it till you make it...but I wonder when will all this fake start to feel real? When will faking it end and real begin?
The only time I feel really real is when I curl myself around Nathan, breathe him in with love and remember Eva and weep. Cause that's what's real in my life. Love and sadness and Jesus. Everything else is fake.
I've been faking it for a long time...when will I get to start making it?