At a garage sale on Saturday I visited with two moms I know well. One is a BLM who longs for her baby boy and the other longs for more children. I sat there with Nathan and I suddenly found myself being in the unenviable position of being envied.
It was surprising and shocking. I never thought that could happen. Who would want to go through what we've been through but there is no comparison. We still have what many want. Children. I am blessed beyond measure with the children I have, while still longing for the daughter I'll never see until I get to heaven.
It's so hard to wrap my mind around the very REALness of Nathan being HERE and the utter gone-ness of my sweet Eva. And without Eva's death there would be no Nathan to rejoice over.
I love him without the guilt I thought I would have when I was pregnant with him. I love him wholly and completely for who he is. Nathan (Gift) Evan (in honour of Eva). He is Eva's Gift. And we're thankful. So thankful. While still missing our sweet daughter. It's a mind-warp.
Last night I has my first real panic attack about Nathan. He has a bit of a cold and was lying on my chest when he started breathing loudly and slightly laboured. I woke and could not go back to sleep. Listening for his every next breath. Waiting for it to not come. Wondering if I should go to ER. Wondering if I was going to become one of those parents always taking their kids into the doctor for every sniffle. Maybe they have a reason.
And my love for Eva is no less but there is something in holding Nathan that heals the wounded mama's heart in me. He heals the empty arms that longed to hold the weight of a baby again. He heals the breasts that ached with milk for Eva, and now for him. He heals the part of me whose youngest child died. He is now our youngest child with a big sister in heaven. He has healed me more than I thought possible and yet my tears are still there for Eva. My heart still yearns for the day I will be welcomed home in heaven and my Eva will be there, smiling and waiting for me to hold her.
Nathan and Eva-forever intertwined-Nathan Evan.
*Much love to you grieving mamas as you walk your own grief journey. And this blog has always been about my life After Eva. Nathan is now a part of my life after Eva. He will be part of this blog as well. I know this will cause pain to some mamas but I sincerely hope and pray for a peace that surpasses all understanding for all you mamas (and dads) as you travel this painful, lonely road.