At a garage sale on Saturday I visited with two moms I know well. One is a BLM who longs for her baby boy and the other longs for more children. I sat there with Nathan and I suddenly found myself being in the unenviable position of being envied.
It was surprising and shocking. I never thought that could happen. Who would want to go through what we've been through but there is no comparison. We still have what many want. Children. I am blessed beyond measure with the children I have, while still longing for the daughter I'll never see until I get to heaven.
It's so hard to wrap my mind around the very REALness of Nathan being HERE and the utter gone-ness of my sweet Eva. And without Eva's death there would be no Nathan to rejoice over.
I love him without the guilt I thought I would have when I was pregnant with him. I love him wholly and completely for who he is. Nathan (Gift) Evan (in honour of Eva). He is Eva's Gift. And we're thankful. So thankful. While still missing our sweet daughter. It's a mind-warp.
Last night I has my first real panic attack about Nathan. He has a bit of a cold and was lying on my chest when he started breathing loudly and slightly laboured. I woke and could not go back to sleep. Listening for his every next breath. Waiting for it to not come. Wondering if I should go to ER. Wondering if I was going to become one of those parents always taking their kids into the doctor for every sniffle. Maybe they have a reason.
And my love for Eva is no less but there is something in holding Nathan that heals the wounded mama's heart in me. He heals the empty arms that longed to hold the weight of a baby again. He heals the breasts that ached with milk for Eva, and now for him. He heals the part of me whose youngest child died. He is now our youngest child with a big sister in heaven. He has healed me more than I thought possible and yet my tears are still there for Eva. My heart still yearns for the day I will be welcomed home in heaven and my Eva will be there, smiling and waiting for me to hold her.
Nathan and Eva-forever intertwined-Nathan Evan.
*Much love to you grieving mamas as you walk your own grief journey. And this blog has always been about my life After Eva. Nathan is now a part of my life after Eva. He will be part of this blog as well. I know this will cause pain to some mamas but I sincerely hope and pray for a peace that surpasses all understanding for all you mamas (and dads) as you travel this painful, lonely road.
A beautiful post
ReplyDeleteI rejoice in the joy of Nathan's sweet life and the blessing that he is to your heart. "A baby: There is no greater miracle. No greater proof of God's love." And I love the picture of Eva's little brother. He is soooo cute! :)
ReplyDeleteBeautifully said, sweet mama. You capture the dichotomy of the grief and joy that comes with being a BLM who has a rainbow.
ReplyDeleteDichotomy is right amanda. Who knew my heart could feel so torn and yet so whole...
DeleteTears flowed, what a beautiful post. A beautiful boy and we rejoice with you (and yet remember sweet Eva). Congratulations on your new 'hope', he couldn't be more perfect!
ReplyDeleteI had no idea you read my blog Chantelle. Thank you for commenting. I always appreciate it.
DeleteYes. I really really get this. You've said it so well.
ReplyDeleteyou are in an enviable place. i would give anything, everything to have four beautiful children in my life. i would give my whole world, every material possession that sits in my crowded, tiny house to have as many children as you do. we lost our longed-for third baby on march 27th of this year. we have two boys and i just turned 32 and i don't know if i'll ever get to have five children. i look at you and i'm jealous. i don't know what i did to deserve this pain, this disappointment that is my loss and my shattered heart and my slowly eroding soul. i have no idea what to believe in anymore. pain is relative. our pain and suffering is ours alone, and it can't be compared to anyone. i'm so sorry you lost your baby girl. i'm still in that horrid place of not knowing if there will ever be a rainbow for me because i'm sitting in the eye of the storm. i feel stuck there, storms all around me and no end in sight. yet the silence is deafening, devastating. see, i look to you and beg god or the universe or whatever is in charge of our destinies to give me just a small piece of the gift you've been given. because we've both lost so much, but only one of us has been given to freely. i would do anything to have what you have, sweet babylost sister.
ReplyDeleteDear bohomamasoul,
DeleteI am so sorry about the loss of your longed-for third baby. Yes, the darkness is so black and so all-encompassing. To be honest, before Nathan was born I wasn't able to even look at blogs whose mamas had rainbows. I simply ignored them. It was just too painful. I know I am in an enviable place...the luckiest of the unlucky as I would call myself, although there is more to our story than meets the eye...isn't there always? I checked out your blog but there were no posts yet. What was your little one's name? Would you like to share his story?
Sending you love and hope as you navigate these unchartered waters.
Em