I've aged.
I no longer look like the girl posing with the cute baby girl in my profile pic.
This will happen to you if you lose a child. Stress, fear, grief. All of it.
I clearly remember my cheeks drying out from all the salt tears that covered them most waking hours in the year after Eva died.
Those tears aged me. My aching heart aged me. I am old.
At first I hated every day that passed between Eva's death and the day I was in. Every day brought me further from my precious girl.
Now, I am happy to say good bye to another day. I am one day closer to seeing my girl again. One day closer to my death. One day closer to Eva.
And yet, it's just so hard to fathom too...the day I look forward to, the day I die will also be the day I say good bye, for a time, to the children I cherish here on earth. Another awful, unlivable juxtaposition. Goodbye and Hello.
Crying silent sobs as I read this because that's exactly how it is. And it's awful. I don't have all of my children in the same place, therefore to be with one/some, I must be without other/s.
ReplyDeleteIt is an awful truth. I hope to, one day, be surrounded by my children in heaven but it's so hard to comprehend.
DeleteSo true. I am old from it and I don't even care about it (aging) for the most part. Almost like a wound from war. I wear it as evidence of my sorrow.
ReplyDelete(((hugs)))
evidence of my sorrow.
DeleteLike a battle wound.
I am so sorry for you loss. This post is a tough read but very true and moving.
ReplyDeleteI love your Eva pictures at the side of your blog. What a fantastic way to remember.
I have aged so much, too, in the past year. The storms of grief have weathered and etched my skin. My face frowns naturally, so easily. It sucks.
ReplyDeleteI pray for some wisdom from all of this. Is wisdom, really, the most I can get? I'd rather not have the wisdom. I'd rather have the innocence. I'd rather have my baby.
I am a million years older than I was before. I know some people who have trouble sleeping after their losses, but I love sleeping. It's the only time I feel I've gotten away from it all. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteYup. So much older. Sending hugs to you.
ReplyDelete