May 15th 2013

I woke up this morning so sad and wondered why. It was only until a few minutes later I remembered, again, and not for the last time that it was the 15th again. Another whole month without you. And your gift is now 1 month 1 day old. So precious, and still alive.  But his presence doesn't negate your absence.

I read the RMHNA e-news this morning and it was good to see our story of the House there. So glad we were able to write our story, even though you died, and it's not a hopeful story for other families to read. How I wish it was. How I wish we were still travelling to the House every few weeks for your heart check-ups.

Meanwhile, Samuel asked me if we would all die together...then he said that if mom or dad should die first we were to wait for him to get there before we saw you. I don't think I can wait that long. When I die I want you to be the one to welcome me to heaven. I wonder so often what you are like. Are you a feisty two-year old or are you still 10 months old or are you the young woman you would have become on earth...I think you are two! Growing the way you should have on earth...

It's hard to imagine you so big and as time passes it will get harder and harder to imagine you bigger, my little pink girl. I miss you so much. Unbidden, and mixed with some joy, my grief for you never ends.