Day of Regrets

Today is not Eva's death day. Or more quaint and palatable, her Heaven day.

Today, August 14th is the Day of Regrets.

The day she was originally scheduled for her cardio follow up. The day I asked to be moved by one day so we could drive to Edmonton on a monday instead of a Sunday.

The day of regret.

I regret so much but what I regret the most is moving that appointment by one day.

August 14th. Day of Regret. It could be a national holiday it hurts so hard.

Mail

Receiving a card like this.

Simple and makes me feel something...I don't know what but it's a good thing.

Thank you T. 

For remembering and for a handwritten card in the mail saying you do.

It blessed us. 

Eva's ride 2014

Eva's ride went really well. 

We raised over $3000 for RMHNA. 

I love Eva's ride and I hate it. 

I was so stoked that the perfect little girl got the hello kitty lunchbag! I couldn't have picked better myself.

This was my favourite photo if the day. Eva's little brother, Nathan.

The ride went super well although there was one little hiccup I may write about later.

Here are some more photos Eva's Ride.

Registration table.

Our family, and Eva. Eva's Oma in the background with an orange shirt. 

Theodore and Josephina 'helping' Nathan 'drive'.

There are more photos but I realized few are on my iPad so there's a taste...if you want to join us next August we would love to see you! 

Thank you so much to all those who participated, rode, volunteered, and sponsored!

I'll leave you with this one...

Night friends. 

The lunch bag.

This week I have been buying some back to school lunch bags and backpacks as we have decided to send three of our kids to school this September, for various reasons. 

I bought three lunch bags for the three school attenders and one backpack for the homeschooler. I really, really wanted to buy something for Eva too. Just because she's dead doesn't mean my mamas heart doesn't long to give her good gifts. It's one of the hardest things. Not getting her gifts at Christmas or her birthday or for some other special occasion. I miss being her mama. I miss seeing delight on her face. 

Today I just couldn't resist and I bought her a hello kitty lunch bag. I'm not a huge hello kitty fan but the combination of pink and kitty I couldn't resist today. And that bag just about jumped off the shelf at me.  So I bought it. 

Eva's ride is on Saturday, in two days. The hello kitty lunch bag will join a myriad of other prizes on the table and it won't stand out but it will be the one I have my eye on. The one I wish could have gone to the little girl I love more than life itself but I hope some other little girl's eyes sparkle when she receives it. 

Mostly, I hope some little girl is really happy to have it and not whiny about getting that bag over something else...

Feeling Augusty.

I'm here. August is here. I tried to put off my awareness of August as long as I could but my body just knew the moment August arrived. Feeling sad and defeated. Feeling pregnant and feeling like I just gave birth last week. How is it that I'm getting ready to do this again?

Can't shake the feeling that something will go wrong with this birth. But, is that really surprising, especially considering it's August. I no longer trust my instincts about something happening, or not. Because I often have premonitions that things will go wrong, and they don't. Or I think all is fine and my little girl dies. Wtf?

Baby is still a boy. My kids all want a girl. I want a girl. Mike doesn't care but wants a girl for me. Why has God given me such a desire for a daughter and then denied me over and over again?

The ultrasound was very clear. There was no denying the boy parts that filled the screen.  On the upside I am much less of a wreck than I would be if this baby was actually a girl.

Speaking of girls. The ride in honour of my favourite girl is in five days on Saturday August 9.

If you would like to sponsor  my earth side children as they ride in honour of their sister, here is their personal page. I'll post again with pics of the ride afterwards.


http://evasride.kintera.org/faf/home/default.asp?ievent=1113240&lis=1&kntae1113240=A28AA13929AA4AF7B743198BF9C03AF6

Three years minus one month.

July 15th three years ago we took this picture of our sweetie in her hopeful yellow dress.

We thought our miracle girl had 'made it'. Never in our wildest nightmares did we think that exactly one month later our dreams would be shattered forever.

Three years minus one month since she's been gone.

I can't begin to imagine how beautiful she would be now. 

I wish I knew.

Red

My favourite colour is red. Not bright red, bordering on orange. Deep red. Rich red. Earthy red. It has taken me awhile to fully embrace my love of red. But now that I have, I'm enjoying it. 

With that in mind, it stands to reason that my little girl, a smaller, paler version of myself should be pink. Of course.

At birth I gave all my kids a colour. I don't know why but I did. Samuel is orange. Vincent is green. Theodore is blue. Eva was and is pink. Nathan, however, is rainbow...and Josie, sweet little Josie, I gave her purple when she first arrived but after Eva died I couldn't stand her being very feminine so I changed her to yellow. But she has always loved purple. I have healed over the years and I can put Josie in a dress, even buy one for her. I can embrace (a little bit) her love of all things frilly and girly without stabs of jealousy sparking through my soul. 

With this baby hopefully arriving in September I have decided to embrace Josie and the colour purple by giving this little joyful blessing the colour yellow. Yellow was also my favourite childhood colour and is such a joyful colour that I feel it also suits the name this little guy will hopefully receive, which means joy or joyful. His full name means 'joyful blessing' and I feel like he really will be that to our family and to me. A joyful blessing indeed.

For the record I don't force those colours on my kids I just let it happen and, as it happens, Vincent doesn't much care for green, gravitating to red instead. Samuel has stayed the course with orange (and sometimes red) while Theodore loves all things blue, especially light blue. We have yet to see for Nathan but he has a whole rainbow of colours to choose from. Josie, as you know, loves purple.