Wednesday, September 24, 2014

We miss our girl.

I'm in Edmonton at the Stollery hospital with Felix and Vincent. Walking in here and the smell of microsan hand sanitizer brings Eva back to me like nothing else. 

Vincent has an appointment in urology.

Felix is getting an echo and EKG in cardiology.

He has a small hole in his heart. Not likely to be a problem but the cardiologist would see him in six months to check again. I have mixed emotions. Felix is likely fine and if it weren't for Eva we would never know...and I feel so so sad that Eva never got an EKG or an echo until she was so sick.

On the cardiology unit. I miss my girl. This hallway, where I spent so much time with her and hoped to continue spending time with her. I miss my girl.

The grief comes back to me here. The love comes back to me here. I miss my girl.

Vincent sees the elevators and being the emergent reader that he is he notices Eva's name...something I never have...

See it now?

Nobody knows how much I miss my girl because nobody knows how much I love my girl. That's why grief is so lonely for everyone.

There is a pink ribbon of pain that flows through my soul. There are blues and yellows and greens and reds of joy but the pink ribbon of grief and pain and love flows through every single aspect of my life. Pink. And also invisible. While the rainbow assortment of joyful colours clamour for attention, the pink silently binds my heart. I miss my girl.

The intensity of our grief is in direct relation to the intensity of our love. I miss my girl.

On the road home Mike and I drive in silence. Each nursing our own lonely grief and love. Because even with the only other person who loved Eva as much as the other, the road of grief is lonely. 

Mike says he always misses Eva most driving home from Edmonton because she would have come every single time for checkups. Eva and Edmonton are always intertwined in our hearts and it's always sad and strange and emotionally exhausting to go there.

We miss you so much our little princess Eva. You were the sparkle in our day. We miss our girl.


  1. This is beautiful and heart wrenching, Em. <3 Eva <3

  2. I got a stab in my heart while reading about Felix. I'm aching. I can only imagine your feelings. I am reminded of Isaiah 41:10 so do not fear for I am with you... {hugs} and prayers

  3. In 2000 Nicholas was sent to Vancouver for treatment, and then to Calgary. When I now travel those long miles of highway, at various points I'm struck with memories of our drives during his illness 14 years ago. While reading your post I was aware of a growing weight of grief in the pit of my stomach, but I have to say Em that now there are more moments of peace than tears. Your two little ones are precious. I hope all goes well.

  4. Anella! PRAYING for Felix and for you all♡ Praising the Lord forr the ability to have his little heart checked out and that he will be closely watched. Praying for a peace that
    surpasses all understanding for yourself and Mike ♡ Love you ♡ - Christa