Monday, September 15, 2014

Three years plus one month.

Sometimes looking at pictures of Eva give me comfort and sometimes I want to tear all the photos off the walls because it just hurts too damn much to look at that sweet face that once was mine and not be able to hold her.

Three years plus one month. 37 months. 

She should be turning four next month. Going to preschool this month. It's all just too damn much. 

Felix is nine days old. The second little brother who has life because his sister died. He has brown eyes. Chocolate eyes as we call them in our family. Nathan has eyes of the bluest blue. As if they bottled rain. His sisters eyes staring out of his face. 

I am back to my early moments of grief today. But I do know that the edges of my pit are not quite as steep as they were three years ago. The darkness is not without light.

But it's amazing how hard it can hit even three years down the road. How much I still and always miss my little girl so badly. 


  1. I am sure it all so surreal. Still. I'm so sorry.

  2. I'm also so very sorry. There is really nothing else to say. Thinking of Eva...

  3. I know. It's wretched isn't it. Sorry is the only thing to say and it gets repetitive. And yet, yet, it's nice to know people bother to read...I wish I could post a miracle..but alas. I feel like a broken record of grief sometimes. Which is why I tihink many stop blogging about their grief. It just never ends...

  4. ((hugs)) thinking of you. grief can be so tricky. it's unbelievable that we've made it this long without our children. and we still miss them like it was the first day without them :'(