Wednesday, August 28, 2013

On big families...

We have a big family. So big in fact that we bought a huge, ugly, white van, that I love for its spaciousness.

That being said however, it often feels like people who hear about Eva don't seem to understand what a great loss she is, even though we have 5 other children (counting Little J).  It seems like we have so many that she is just one more or less and it's not that big a deal really...

It seems like it's a bigger deal before people know about Little J. Cause without Little J, then Eva was/is our only daughter. Then the magnitude of our loss is comprehensible...but once Little J enters the picture then, well, Eva is just one of many.

But I tell you, that's BS. Eva may be one of many. But I am thankful for each and every one of my children individually and as individuals.

Not one of my children, but Samuel, is the spitting image of his dad.

Not one of my children, but Vincent, is so creative he scares me with what he will think of next.

Not one of my children, but Theodore, is so kind and  loves on dolls and stuffies so much, with his tender heart.

Not one of my children, but Little J, loves to hug and kiss so much.

Not one of my children, but Eva, had sparkling eyes and a glowing smile that everyone was attracted to.

Not one of my children, but Nathan, has the power to heal my heart in the way that only Nathan can.

Each of my children are individuals, and the loss of one is a significant and huge loss. Eva changed our hearts. We weren't going to have anymore children. We weren't ever going to meet Nathan. But Eva changed our hearts. And with changed hearts we approach the future. Mourning and missing our daughter but anticipating, with hope, that there will be more individual children to meet because our one special, precious daughter, who we miss more than words can say, lived and died.

Please don't lump her in with the many. She is unique and special. As are each one of my children and as are each and every child on this green earth. Breathing or not.


  1. You are just so RIGHT. I could have a dozen more children and not one could ever replace my missing child, or be replaced by another.

  2. This is so true! Even "just" in miscarrying, people so often say things like, "But now you have Chloe" in a way that says the baby in heaven wasn't necessary/was replaced.

    Loved this post!

    1. It's hard to wrap your mind around the fact that it would have been physically impossible to have had Chloe had you not lost her sib.

  3. Amen. We found out a few weeks ago that we are expecting our "rainbow baby."
    I hesitate to tell people just for the reason of them thinking it will make everything all better. I imagine them thinking "Great! Now she can be happy again. She will stop complaining so much about losing Link and she'll have four kids again." But - they don't understand. Once this baby comes (IF everything goes okay), I will have FIVE children. And nothing can change that. And - yes - they are each individual. Each different. Each meant to add something specific to our family.