Monday, November 5, 2012

Good bye, Bright Spot.

For our family, the one bright spot of Eva's illness, was Ronald McDonald House. The boys were welcomed there. The House is bright and cheery and kid-friendly. The staff is generous with their time and love. The House is for families with seriously ill children. Children like Eva.

When we went to get our fetal echo done last week we stayed there. We stayed there because we were in town for baby's heart and because of our history. We got good news at the echo. Baby's heart looks good. When I relayed that to the the house manager, she was so happy for us and she brightly said "good, now you can't stay here anymore'. And I know it's good news that we can't stay at RMH anymore. But it's another loss too.  The loss of our bright spot.

I feel closer to Eva at RMH than I do anywhere else. RMH, for us, was all about Eva. There was no gardening, or piles of laundry, or schooling to do. It was RMH and the hospital. The hospital and RMH. The staff at RMH knew our daughter better than most of our friends did. And also, I had the expectation of visiting RMH on a regular basis, with Eva, for heart checks every few weeks, for a long, long time.

And, not least,  we were staying at RMH when Eva's heart stopped. She collapsed in the bathtub at RMH. Resuscitation was attempted on the floor of the front hall of RMH. The ambulance that took her to the hospital where she died in ER picked her up from RMH. RMH is full of Eva's Life and her Death. So, saying good bye to RMH is hard. Harder than I thought it would be. It's another loss. Small compared to the magnitude of losing Eva. Of course, we are welcome to visit-and we will.  But it hurts to say good bye to the only place that was truly just for Eva.

I can't really explain it but I know that many of you will understand the loss of the people, places, groups that belonged to our children. The little losses amongst the biggest Loss.

8 comments:

  1. Oh Em...I completely understand. You can certainly visit, and you probably will for years to come. Eva will visit with you...silently and invisibly.But I know how it feels...

    Grateful for little baby hope's perfect heart though...

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    1. Sameen,
      Thank you for commenting. It's nice to know you're reading. I think of you and little S so often.

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  2. Yes, I understand those little losses that surround the big loss, that are inextricably related to it, even when it happens more than a year after the fact.

    Happy to hear your baby has a healthy heart, and that everything is running smoothly there. November love to you and yours <3

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    1. Thank you Suzanne. I've missed your voice. How are you managing?

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  3. Oh how bittersweet. I did not realize she passed at the RMH, how heartbreaking. Thinking of our sweet girls tonight, and always.

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    1. Olivia is often intertwined with my thought of Eva too.

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  4. Hi Em, It's Hannah from Glow. Just wanted to say that the importance of your connection to RMH makes total sense to me. Some day when we move, I will miss being far from the hospital where our girl was born, lived and died. It's kind of significant that way.

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    1. Thank you Hannah. RMH is a huge part of Eva's life for me. I met a mama there whose daughter died of cancer in the same hospital Eva died in, but 33 years ago. She said it just about killed her when they tore down the part of the hospital that her daughter had been in (it's amazing the things we can live through, really). The physical connections to our children are so tenuous that we hold onto anything that keeps them close to us. When really they are only as far as our hearts.

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