I am constantly surprised by who reads my blog.
Today I took Samuel and Vincent to a skating party.
There was a mom there who I used to know quite well and see on a semi-regular basis. We were never really close, nor were we distant. Today we chatted casually and she told (surprise) that she read this blog. She has never commented so I had no idea she was reading along here and there. By reading my blog she probably knows me better than most IRL people know me.
She told me it has been scary to talk to me for fear of saying the wrong thing and that saying nothing felt safer. I can understand that now. But in the early days of losing Eva I used to get so mad at people for staying in that 'safe zone'. Why should they get to stay safe when I had to deal with all the tears, snot, heartache, pain, grief, horror of losing my child?
Apparently, now that I'm pregnant, and have something to be joyful about it's easier to talk to me. Hmmm...not sure how I feel about that but the me that has come a long long long way from the me who couldn't say Eva's name without tearing up, can understand it. And it makes me glad that I wasn't pregnant a month after Eva died, like I wanted to be. Because the hope of a new baby doesn't eliminate my grief. The hope of a new baby is happy but it certainly does not eclipse the loss of Eva. And I'm glad nobody had the 'out' of being happy for a new baby in the early days after Eva's death. And that they weren't able to sweep Eva under the rug with joy for a new baby.
A fellow bereaved mom lost her son in October 2011, less than two months after Eva's death. The day after she buried him she found out she was pregnant. This was joyful news indeed, and, honestly, I was a little jealous at the time. But it gave other people an 'out' to be happy about a new baby and not validate and grieve her precious son. And then her sweet baby died in the womb a few months later. This mom has been served a double-whammy of grief and pain. I often feel so so sad for her. And yet, she seems okay on the outside. But so do I. And I know that okay on the outside can still mean a sobbing mess at home in the shower. And my heart aches for this mom.
The mom at the skating party told me she found my blog 'educational'. Now I've thought of my blog as many things. A place to get my feelings out. A place to truly remember Eva. A place to connect with other bereaved parents. A guiding light for newly bereaved parents to follow as they navigate the darkest road. But educational? Interesting. I wasn't sure how I liked the taste of that word in my mouth. Educational. It sounded so cold and formal. But educational can be okay too. Can even be good. And while the best education in bereavement is to travel the darkest road, I wouldn't want anyone else to walk it.
I am often amazed at the gifts that have come in this package that nobody wants...there is more on this topic later as I wrap my mind around the sermon that was preached in my church last Sunday.