Friday, June 22, 2012

Summer just sucks.

This time last year...this time last year...this time last year...

It's pretty much all I can think about right now...this time last year Eva was in PICU. 5 pediatric cardiologists, crammed into her room, couldn't figure out what was wrong with her. I clearly remember one of them saying 'she looks like the healthiest baby in ICU but she has the most potential'. Trust me, you don't want to have a child with 'potential' in ICU. 'Potential' in ICU talk means potential for disaster. Poor little girl wasn't allowed to eat anything because they thought she would go into cardiac arrest at any time and she wasn't allowed to have anything in her stomach. She had nothing for about a week. Nothing! It is so hard to pump your milk and not be allowed to give it to your hungry daughter. Eva lost 2 pounds that week. She was so little and skinny. She looked like the survivor of a famine. Forgive me if I think summer sucks. It just does. And everyone with their obliviously happy facebook announcements doesn't make me feel a whole lot better. Summer sucks.

I look at my 3 gorgeous boys jumping on the trampoline. So manly already. They are so kind and dote on their little cousin...what would they be like with their littlest sister...they talk about her all the time...but time doesn't mean to them what it means to them time passes and to me I feel like I am back in time. Back in last summer with all the emotion but none of the hope. That hope left me on August 15th 2011. I miss her so much. It is just unbearably overwhelming these days and the sunny summer days are like a slap in the face.


  1. The coming/passing of seasons is one of the most difficult things about going on with life after someone you love dies. How can life go on without our beloved children? Ever since Caleb died I am very confused about what season it is and even what year it is...It is almost like my mind/body doesn't want to believe that time could ever go on, when my Caleb died.

    I am again, so sorry that you have to go through this devastating trial. (((hugs))))

    With Hope,

  2. Thank you for validating this emotion Cheryl. I think that's about right like my mind and body don't want to believe time could go on without Eva.

  3. Oh Em. Summer is my season too. It sucks.

    I agree, nobody in PICU wants the baby with 'the most potential' to be their daughter. What a clumsy turn of phrase.

    Your poor Eva. Poor mama. I'm so sorry. It is such an instinct, to nurture, to nourish. To have that denied is so terribly hard.

  4. The seasons they keep going and they bring us back to the pain. I am so sorry summer hurts. Thinking of you and your Eva.

  5. Right now, coming up to a year. This time is so brutal. I feel you. I remember that time in the NICU and the intensity of that.
    And looking at your three boys jumping on the trampoline, think of how it should be....oh Em. There are no words. Just love, so much love from me to you. I'm always thinking of your girl. xxx

  6. I so remember last summer too...I remember checking carepages 3-5 times a day in hopes of good news. And there were days that made me so excited for you. I too remember August 15. I woke up early and as usual first thing I did was get my ipad and check carepages. I had to read and read and reread your post as I couldnt believe I was possibly reading it correctly. I pray for you daily and hope that this time passes fast for you. Sorry summer sucks for you...