Some of our biggest disappointments in life are unmet expectations. We expect something for Christmas. We expect our children to master reading easily. We expect to wake up in the morning. We all have different expectations. And when they are unmet or broken we are met with disappointment instead.
Disappointment sounds like a minor emotion with sadness, anger and grief being much larger. But disappointment can also be huge. It can be minor like being disappointed you didn't get a ticket to a concert. But it can be HUGE too. I was devastated when Eva died. But I was also disappointed. Disappointed at not having my daughter to love and hold on earth. Disappointment goes hand in hand with sadness, anger and grief.
One of the biggest changes in me since Eva died is my change in expectations. I used to expect that my children would live.
Every time Nathan wakes up from a nap I consider it a miracle, and I am thrilled to see his smiling face again.
This morning he is napping, and for longer than usual. I went in to check on him, hoping to see his chest rising and falling. It was. Thank God.
But my expectation no longer is that my children will live. Nor is my expectation that they will die. The biggest difference is that my hope is that they will live but I do not expect it as arrogantly as I once used to.
I don't think it's right to expect them to die but nor is it completely true to expect them to live. No matter how my society expects its children to live.
I have now joined the ranks of mothers around the world who hope and pray their children will live but who do not ,rather arrogantly, fully expect them to.
Can you tell the difference?
Even you, non-bereaved parent, who may read my blog?
Can you tell the difference?
The miracle of the nap. I too hold my breath every time I go to check on Rosabella, I am so afraid that she won't be breathing. I am not sure if I expect her to be gone, but the realness that she COULD be is something I don't believe I understood before Grace died.
ReplyDeleteYes. I'm not sure if I'm afraid of it or if it's just more of an awareness that there is that very real possibility that he could be dead. I know I would survive but I don't want to. I've had enough of that.
DeleteYes, I see the difference. We must hold our children and our spouses in an open hand. Love and enjoy fully while they are with us. Each and every day is a gift all from the One who holds us in the hollow of His hand.
ReplyDeleteI continue to pray for you and yours even though I haven't commented on your blog in a while. I stop in whenever I can. lots of love, Beccy
Thank you for commenting Beccy. I appreciate it when people read and comment.
DeleteI agree with you. Well said. Infertility changed my expectations too. I'm pretty cynical.
ReplyDeleteYes, it does.
DeleteOver five years after Caleb's death I check on my daughter repeatedly. I have a sickening feeling in my stomach when I'm approaching her door because I am afraid that she won't be alive. Caleb died during the night and I think that this is going to stay with me forever. It might manifest itself differently as my youngest gets older, but I will never get over it.
ReplyDeleteSorry others experience similar feelings...can be awful :(
Hugs and Hope,
Cheryl
Yes, I can tell the difference. Most people know that children can and do die, but you Know it. Giant capital K. That's different than expecting that they will die. I also don't take it for granted that my children will outlive me, though I think my capital K is probably smaller than yours (having experienced some medical scares but not the loss of a child). I often think that If I can get to the end of my life with all of my children still alive (and hopefully healthy and happy) then that will truly be enough for me, and I will be grateful.
ReplyDeleteI had to share this. You wrote my life, friend.
ReplyDeleteI think that people know that children can die, but they believe this applies only to OTHER people's children. After it happens to you, you realize that you are now one of the OTHERS. There is no returning to the innocence that we once enjoyed.
ReplyDeleteI don't think it's arrogant to expect your child to live. Almost all children in the West live - you have to be a really unlucky bugger to have a child that dies - especially if they live past 6 months and have no discernible health problems.
ReplyDeleteI think it's just a function of our distress that we worry about our kids like we do. I know I am much less anxious than I was when M was younger. I am hopeful that we will both get better xx Loads of love to you Em - it is a very human to anticipate the best - we have just experienced the worst - so I think it makes our judgement a litle awry xx
Em, my perspective on my guys and their lives is so different now. I think it does make a huge difference. It has changed how I spend my time with them, and my hopes and dream for their future, way more open handed...
ReplyDeleteI was reading about some of the countries in Africa where there is an expectation that every mother will lose one child at least in her life. A given. How would one live knowing that? How would one have the courage to have children?
ReplyDeleteI am with you, not always sure of a good outcome, but hoping for one anyway.
That's actually exactly where I was going with this post. That there are so many mothers out there who don't have these expectations of a full life for their children...exactly there. Thanks for the comment MrsH.
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