The thing that bothers me the most about my grief is that it's all about me.
What I want to do is an update on Eva. The update I would do in an alternate, happier, reality.
How things are progressing, how we're all adjusting to living in the city or something, to be closer to medical care, how Eva is managing after surgery, how much we enjoy staying at RMH when were in Edmonton, how her birthday party was, how we went to galaxyland with all the kids...etc...
I don't give a crap how *my* grief is. My f-ing grief never ends. Sure, it's lighter, easier to bear...etc...etc.. But it's always there. Just there. And what I want is Eva. Plain and Simple.
I still find myself surprised sometimes that this is my life.
So full, and yet so empty.
So good, and yet so bereft.
I could go on and on...
And, I'm tired of writing about *my* grief, *my* anger. I'm tired of writing and I know people are tired of reading. Everything I want to write, I've written before. The regurgitated feelings of grief and sadness and despair and hope. You've heard them all before. They're still there. Lighter, yes. But still the same on so many levels. And who wants to read the same thing all over again, and again...
Who even reads anyway? Who even cares...If I don't?
oh, and then there are the people I wish didn't read. The ones I can't stop unless I make the blog private, which I don't feel like doing...although it is a consideration.
I read and I care:)
ReplyDeleteI care <3
ReplyDeleteI don't tire of reading your blog. Hope I'm not one of the ones who you wished wouldn't read... I wish, like you, that we had "child" updates and not grief status'. I find that I don't post much on my blog because when I feel like writing the most (sad or mad, etc.) I wonder how many want to hear the same thing again especially as five years has gone by. Grief though is a life sentence and for those of us who have lost, we understand to some degree the pain that you bear. Write on if you are led to. We're here!
ReplyDeleteHugs and Hope,
Cheryl
Oh Cheryl, How could it ever be you I wished didn't read...your thoughtful, inspiring comments are always welcome. And I love when you write about Caleb. I wish you would write more about him because that is what I'm searching for too...someone else on this road that is still writing...
DeleteHi Em-- Please don't make it private. It is encouraging for us other moms with broken hearts to read! I sent a FB message (it's my husband's account-- I don't have one). Would love to connect.
ReplyDeleteHi Julie, I never received a fb message so not sure who you sent it to... :) However if you send me another message with your info I won't publish it and I can friend request you...
DeleteI understand all of these feelings so well, Em. I wish so much that you didn't.
ReplyDelete