Nathan is seven months old today. He is already moving so much more than our Eva ever did.
How could I not have seen that she was weak? How come I did not push harder right at this point?
At seven months I was worried about Eva's lack of weight gain. We had an appointment in two weeks with the paediatrician.
At 7 months my mommy radar was bleeping ever so quietly. But, never in my wildest nightmares did I think that she would be in ICU one month later and dead two months after that.
I remember at 7months your concern of weight gain...
ReplyDeleteLove to you my friend. You've been on my mind today, I've been thinking about how Nathan is approaching the age at which Eva died, and how that might be for you.
ReplyDeleteEvery day is a new day to forgive ourselves for what we think we did wrong with our babies. I have to refresh my pleas every day just about, to God to help me to forgive myself for things I think I should have done, could have done, would do if I could do it over...etc.
ReplyDeleteI never thought, before we lost a child, that it would really happen to me, nor did I know until it was too late to do anything to help him. He had already died.
Learning to forgive myself over and over again on could haves and should haves. I probably will for the rest of my life.
In some ways it was nice that we were naive and ever hopeful that it wouldn't happen in our family, but after our precious children are gone we can no longer live that way. We are changed forever.
Some day, when I enter Heaven, these thoughts will be gone. I will be whole again in a perfect way and I know Caleb already is. That is a comfort to me.
Praying for your comfort today in these difficult days surviving after our babies have passed.
With hugs and Hope, my friend,
Cheryl
Thank you Cheryl. It's always so good to hear of your walk ahead and with me on this road. Yes, naïve was nice. Anticipating heaven with you.
DeleteLove, Em