There is a saying that goes the wind of heaven is that which blows between a horses ears...I had that on our Christmas card one year another lifetime ago...
Today is Thanksgiving Sunday here in Canada. We didn't host a Thanksgiving Dinner this year. It's the first time I haven't hosted Thanksgiving Dinner since we have lived in this house. It was immensely relieving and cowboy church had a Thanksgiving potluck that filled that Thanksgiving Dinner empty spot in our bellies.
The weather this afternoon was gorgeous. Crisp and fresh but warm enough for just a sweatshirt...I saddled up my horse and took her out. She was ornery and I had to work her quite a bit at the beginning. I thought the whole ride was going to be work, work, work. But then I decided to lope her up and down a fence line. That turned our ride around. At first I was a little hesitant. I hadn't loped her since before Eva was born. I had a hesitancy. Wondered if I could do it.
But I loped her and it was marvellous! Up and down and around that field. And the more she loped the bigger my smile got until I my whole face was a giant smile. A smile I know for one hundred percent sure hasn't been on my face for 2 years and 2 months. The feeling of being on a smooth running horse is the closest I have ever come to what I imagine it would feel to fly. Flying.
And then I thought of Eva. My littlest girl. My girl who flies. Who soars. So if it really is the wind of heaven that blows between a horses ears then I was there.
I rode down to Eva's trees and watered them then rode back to the house and gave Samuel and Vincent each a ride on Soula. They loved it...and so did I. Samuel is getting to be not so cuddly anymore but he snuggled right up in front of me as we squeezed into the saddle together and I put my arms around him and held him close. Breathing him in as I wish I could do with his little sister.
Good thing he's a skinny kid.
Thankful* is poking it's head through this Thanksgiving. Rather than just devastated.
*And for those of you wondering about the asterisk by thankful, well, that's my new made-up word. It' s that the loss of Eva permeates every emotion. Thankfulness, joyfulness...I can feel those emotions but they are not the same and she is still missing. So it's thankful* rather than thankful. Still thankful, but different.