What year is this?

Where has the time gone? How have two years passed me by? How is it possible that we have had the time to wail in the deepest agony, cremate our child, undergo surgery, struggle to conceive, conceive and bear a child...who is now already four months old?

Almost two years. Two years. Two Years. Two YEARS. TWO YEARS!

I'm sure I will relive those words over and over and over again every year, only changing the two to three then four then five. It makes me sick to think of all the years without Eva that lie ahead of me. It nauseates me.

I still have trouble comprehending that we are in the year 2013. I am often surprised to see the date with the year written somewhere or to hear it in conversation. I am surprised to hear that people have held down jobs for so long...jobs they didn't have when Eva was alive. Sometimes I feel shell-shocked...a part of me continues to live in 2011. A part of me just cannot comprehend that it's possible that my life has continued and my daughter's has come to an abrupt halt.

We had Eva's (2nd annual) Ride on Saturday. I couldn't believe how those children have grown so much and Eva is still 'Baby Eva'. My heart breaks with missing her and yet I continue on. One day at a time. Without her. And Nathan was only a tiny ball of cells at Eva's Ride last year. This year he helped to cut the ribbon.

Sometimes, when I look at Nathan, I feel blessed beyond words but I still feel that my life sucks. It just sucks so much. And it's good.

 

Our family on earth getting ready for Eva's Ride 2013.

 

Nathan and I cutting the starting ribbon.