One of the giftings I received with Eva's death is the awareness of how many people have suffered, are suffering and will suffer. This is not something I wanted.
I am more acutely aware of others' pain now. I can spend time just BEing in their pain without making it my own (I have plenty of my own). I am not afraid of pain and ugly grief. And when I say to someone that nothing in this world is perfect until heaven or that we are all called to walk our own twisty road, everyone knows I don't say those words lightly.
I hear about other people's dying children and my prayers for them are not superficial and my tears for them are true. My prayers are never for healing anymore. They are for a peace beyond understanding for the mama and the papas and the children, whatever the outcome may be.
I know that this is a gifting. Not a gifting I would ever have chosen. And had I known what was coming I would have kicked that gift to the curb in the terrible wrapping it came in and never let it touch my life. But that's not how gifts work. We don't know what's in the package till we open it.
With Eva's death there has been a whole lot of terrible and I am still working on my anger towards some people. Sometimes I wish to shout their names from the rooftops and list their iniquities for you all to see. How many people would shout my name from rooftops if they could? How many people have I hurt? We will all account for our life one day.
I hope to hear 'well done, good and faithful daughter' when it is my turn. Will I? Will you?
With Eva's death there has been a whole lot of good too. I have met people I never would have met. I physically yearn for heaven. I have been allowed to enter into the suffering of so many. I have had people's hearts open to me in ways I never could have imagined. I have been given the gift of sharing in people's pain. The pain they NEVER would have told the old, obliviously happy me.
I sometimes long to be that person again, only if it could be with Eva. But I do not long to be that person without Eva. That silly person is gone from me.
I have seen so much growth in my life with the loss of my precious girl. Just to be clear here, nothing, NOTHING, could make her death worthwhile, but there have been giftings amidst the agony.
Now I know. Everybody Suffers. One way or another. Everybody suffers. But everything will be made perfect in heaven. I can hardly wait.