I'm tired. Tired of this blog. Tired of delving into the emotional turmoil that is my life to write about it on this blog. Tired of feeling. Just plain tired.
I wish I didn't have these feelings to write about. I wish I was just like most of the other mamas out there. But I'm not.
Today at church someone got my sons mixed up (easy to do and no harm done) but later said to me, laughing, 'you have too many children, I can't keep them straight'. I didn't know what to say. Cause I don't have too many children. No matter how many children I have I will never have too many nor will ever have enough. It's just one of those things.
We just bought a new van. It's HUGE. It's white. There's loads of space. I love it! But there's always not quite enough car seats in it. No matter how many fill it.
See, there I go again. Delving, digging. hurting. I'm so sad that this is my life. That there is always someone missing. That, no matter how joyful I feel, I can never share that joy with Eva. Never give her a taste of the sweetness. Never show her something new and see her delight.
Nathan is growing (as he should be) but he is reaching and grasping and wanting....and every day he is more and more like his sister. Every day he gets closer to what were the last days we had with Eva.
And I can barely bear it. The pain of remembering how little time we had with her. I'm tired of the pain. Tired of missing her. Hasn't she been gone long enough now...haven't we endured enough time without her now...can I have her back yet?
Always one missing. I'm sorry Em. The pain is just enormous.
ReplyDeleteYes, I get that. I always thought of Catherine as being very grown up - but now I can see how small she must have been. Madeleine is now 1 year 8 months younger than Catherine was when she died - and her conversation doesn't extend past "is that a dog" "my daddy took me a castle" etc. How can we possibly have had enough time with Catherine when she only just started speaking to me?
ReplyDeleteI suppose the answer is obvious - we didn't - it is unfair, horribly unfair.
I'm sorry Em - it just sinks - I am fed up of being a bereaved mother too -surely it is someone else's turn for a bit? xx
Thank you Susan, although we chat at the bar I prefer blogging. It's nice to hear from you here.
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