August 15th 2013

As the second anniversary of the worst day of my life and the best day of Eva's life draws to a close, I am left with incomprehension.

Sure, I know that Eva is dead. I know that I am bereaved and bereft. But I still am incredulous that this really is my life now. Is my daughter really, absolutely dead? Is this not some continual nightmare that has gone on for far too long and surely I should wake up by now...

This morning was overcast and grey. It rained. I enjoyed the rain. The tears from heaven that joined mine.

Today I checked out of life. I blocked the calendar off and decided on nothing other than planting another tree. A tree is all I can do for the sweetest girl to almost crawl on this green earth. We chose a variety of ornamental apple that has delicate pink blossoms in the spring. Pink, of course, for Eva. The other tree we have for her is a flaming maple that is gorgeous in the fall, around her birthday. Next year it will be a weeping willow, maybe. Seems appropriate anyway. A tree for every year she has spent in heaven. A tree for every year our hearts have beat without her. A stupid tree.

My heart is so raw and close to the surface today. Like I have no ribcage. But today was bearable. It had to be. I had to bear it. There was no other way to get through today other than to bear it. And, truly, I would not want to skip it. I checked out of my regular life today but I checked into my pain. I checked into my grief. I checked into my love for Eva. I bore the giftings of the day. Painful as they are.

I was exhausted today. An exhaustion I remember from the early days of grieving. I was gifted with time for a nap in the afternoon.

I was gifted with flowers from a neighbour who remembered Eva. Truly, the only gifts you can give me now are your memories and your prayers.

I went for coffee with my mom today. A special moment to remember the daughter and the grand daughter we both love so much. I was surprised that the world continued on. But of course it did. It always does. Whether our hearts are broken or not.

I took no photos today. No photos of the tree or the planting of it. I don't know why. I was just too sad to take photos of a tree. I hate that I have a tree when what I should have is a daughter.