The two year anniversary of Eva's death has now passed me by. I am in the two month season now where Eva never drew breath.
I could tell people were praying for us for the last couple of days cause it wasn't too terrible. Also, I was taking my placenta capsules and eating chocolate to keep the depression and anger from devouring me.
I thought I was doing ok. However, I have noticed a pattern. As soon as I think, ok, I've got this handled then a curveball comes my way and I am buried again.
My kids were their usual annoying, loving, awesome, curious, mischievous selves and I found myself yelling at them for nothing. They just enraged me with their normal kidlike behaviour. At least I found it in me to apologize to them and ask their forgiveness. Cause even when I'm irrational I can tell I'm not being fair to these kids I love so much.
It's just that I love Eva too. And damnit, I want her here too. And I'm sure she'd make me mad too but I wouldn't be grieving like I am now. So I'd be more normal (ha, but still). I know I'd still yell at my kids but I wouldn't be so enraged about the death of my precious daughter.
I'm being brutally honest here folks and if you're standing in judgement of me yelling at my kids and thinking I should just be grateful for the kids I have, well, you're right. But, thing is, I AM grateful for ALL my kids. And let s/he who has never yelled at her/his kids cast the first stone.
Her death sucks and no matter how many blog posts I can write about the good things that have come from it the reality is that they are tiny compared to the magnitude of Eva's death. (Except Nathan, he's HUGE).
I just wish you had a "like" button for this one.
ReplyDeleteHa-and I wish I could hit 'like' on your comment-not really-actually I hate 'like' :0
DeleteYes. Yes. YES. I get so angry about the idea that we should be better mothers now that we have experienced the death of one of our children - I feel that dealing with such tremendous pain and trauma can only add unbelievable challenges to mothering...to then expect us to be better, more gracious, more patient, more everything...I'm sorry but I call bullshit. And yes, there are good things, but...nothing as good as our babies. Except for Nathan and Marco...and there's the rub...and what do you do with that??? Big hugs to you, Em.
ReplyDeleteYeah, there's the rub...and it's a mighty huge one. Thanks for commenting. I've missed you.
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