I have not blogged. Not because there is nothing to say but because there is so much to say I haven't been able to wrap my mind around a post. Here are a few tidbits of the last few days. I will go back and recapture them later. Right now as we are heading into the 2 year anniversary of missing Eva my heart and soul are just plain sad.
1) RMHNA Home Away From Home (for dinner) hosted at our church but put on entirely by two fabulous House folks, Kristi and Linda, who hold a special place in my heart for many reasons. The food for the dinner was donated by a local grocery store. I helped a little with prep but was mainly there from the church. Nathan was his usual good natured self as he rode around in his sling smiling at all.
The dinner time itself held many emotions for me. Joy at the interaction I was able to have with so many House families. Past and present. Surprise at how many double strollers were in our little country church. Jealousy that some people have their miracle children still walking with them. Jealousy that we are not a House family anymore. That we have no reason to book regularly in at the House anymore. Pain mixed with joy upon meeting another Eva (for the second time since she died and both times at our church). Sorrow for another family who will probably one day be walking a similar road to ours. Overwhelming love for my children and especially in the loveliness of Nathan. Guilt that I still have children. Guilt that I have a rainbow baby. Loneliness because Eva isn't there.
2) Eva's Ride. It was an enormous success. We raised money for RMH. We remembered Eva. But when the ribbons are put away, when the hype is over, when the ride is over and the bikes are put away...She is still dead. And that fact that never changes. That fact that I can do nothing about breaks my heart over and over again. How many times will my heart break and heal over and over again?
I still cry out to God 'why me?' when I know that there are others who suffer far worse.
3) An amazing visit with the P family who came from Minnesota with their children for Eva's Ride. Joel, Mike and I treeplanted together a lifetime ago. The visit was a time of sharing, laughter, remembering and a photograph of two families with a pile of children but still there are two missing. I could almost see Eva and Emily rejoicing in heaven as their moms finally meet face to face. They left this morning and with them the artificial buffer to my grief. Today has been very sad as we continue on our daily walk on the twisty road of grief and love and missing Eva.