Feeling Augusty.

I'm here. August is here. I tried to put off my awareness of August as long as I could but my body just knew the moment August arrived. Feeling sad and defeated. Feeling pregnant and feeling like I just gave birth last week. How is it that I'm getting ready to do this again?

Can't shake the feeling that something will go wrong with this birth. But, is that really surprising, especially considering it's August. I no longer trust my instincts about something happening, or not. Because I often have premonitions that things will go wrong, and they don't. Or I think all is fine and my little girl dies. Wtf?

Baby is still a boy. My kids all want a girl. I want a girl. Mike doesn't care but wants a girl for me. Why has God given me such a desire for a daughter and then denied me over and over again?

The ultrasound was very clear. There was no denying the boy parts that filled the screen.  On the upside I am much less of a wreck than I would be if this baby was actually a girl.

Speaking of girls. The ride in honour of my favourite girl is in five days on Saturday August 9.

If you would like to sponsor  my earth side children as they ride in honour of their sister, here is their personal page. I'll post again with pics of the ride afterwards.


http://evasride.kintera.org/faf/home/default.asp?ievent=1113240&lis=1&kntae1113240=A28AA13929AA4AF7B743198BF9C03AF6

Three years minus one month.

July 15th three years ago we took this picture of our sweetie in her hopeful yellow dress.

We thought our miracle girl had 'made it'. Never in our wildest nightmares did we think that exactly one month later our dreams would be shattered forever.

Three years minus one month since she's been gone.

I can't begin to imagine how beautiful she would be now. 

I wish I knew.

Red

My favourite colour is red. Not bright red, bordering on orange. Deep red. Rich red. Earthy red. It has taken me awhile to fully embrace my love of red. But now that I have, I'm enjoying it. 

With that in mind, it stands to reason that my little girl, a smaller, paler version of myself should be pink. Of course.

At birth I gave all my kids a colour. I don't know why but I did. Samuel is orange. Vincent is green. Theodore is blue. Eva was and is pink. Nathan, however, is rainbow...and Josie, sweet little Josie, I gave her purple when she first arrived but after Eva died I couldn't stand her being very feminine so I changed her to yellow. But she has always loved purple. I have healed over the years and I can put Josie in a dress, even buy one for her. I can embrace (a little bit) her love of all things frilly and girly without stabs of jealousy sparking through my soul. 

With this baby hopefully arriving in September I have decided to embrace Josie and the colour purple by giving this little joyful blessing the colour yellow. Yellow was also my favourite childhood colour and is such a joyful colour that I feel it also suits the name this little guy will hopefully receive, which means joy or joyful. His full name means 'joyful blessing' and I feel like he really will be that to our family and to me. A joyful blessing indeed.

For the record I don't force those colours on my kids I just let it happen and, as it happens, Vincent doesn't much care for green, gravitating to red instead. Samuel has stayed the course with orange (and sometimes red) while Theodore loves all things blue, especially light blue. We have yet to see for Nathan but he has a whole rainbow of colours to choose from. Josie, as you know, loves purple. 

My sweet.

My sweet, 

I just miss you so much. I love you and my heart yearns for you. I wish you were here cheering on the fire trucks that went past our driveway this afternoon. I wish you were helping with the lemonade stand. I wish you were getting ready for bed and choosing pajamas. Splashing in the tub. Making a mess at supper. Talking too much...

As time has passed, the pain of missing you is less intense than what it was in the early days of breathing without you. But the reality of how much we are missing by not having you is getting more and more clear to me with every day that passes. 

I just miss you baby girl. What else can I say? You are always, always on my mind.

I love you so much. To the moon and back, and beyond.

Mama.

Signs and dreams

One thing I've wished, hoped and prayed for is to have some sign or dream of Eva.

I have received neither except for one dream but she was already dead. So not what I was hoping for at all.

Time and time again my big prayers remain unanswered. It feels like God is purposely silent where and when I need him most.

If you have received a dream or sign from your beloved I would love to hear about it. Please comment.

Much love, Em

Full of joy. Ha.

Several young men in our community have died this past week in motorcycle crashes, car crashes, and off road crashes. I look at my four, hopefully soon to be five, reckless boys and wonder which one(s) will see heaven before me. It feels like the odds are stacked against me that at least one of them will be involved in some sort of fatal crash. Of course, that's if cancer doesn't get them first. Oh yes, I'm full of joy this week.

On baby boys, big Eva, and little Eva.

On this new baby I'm carrying. I have to admit I'm a little resentful he's another boy. And, boy do I feel bad about that. But the truth is usually ugly. So there you have it.

Another part of me completely adores the name I hope Mike agrees to name him with me. The name feels so absolutely just right. It's a name I've loved for years but we just never used it, for one reason or another, for any of our many boys. I've always felt like that name was missing, somehow. And the meaning is perfect and true so it seems right this time, for this boy. But, well, I guess we'll see...


It just feels sometimes like the whole world gets to have their girl, except me. I know that's not true but I never claimed rational thought when it comes to little girls.

I stopped in to visit my mom tonight. She has an elderly neighbour who is named Eva. When our Eva was alive we called them big Eva and little Eva. I have not really spoken to this big Eva since our little Eva died. Tonight she was out in the garden and I spoke to her. But it was hard to look her in the eye and I did not once say her name. It hurts too much. This elderly lady with the same name as my wee baby girl. And I resented her. Resented her for drawing breath at seventy when my little Eva never even saw seven. Resented her for having the name Eva for seventy years longer on earth.

I wonder if big Eva ever remembers the little Eva I used to tote along...