Red

My favourite colour is red. Not bright red, bordering on orange. Deep red. Rich red. Earthy red. It has taken me awhile to fully embrace my love of red. But now that I have, I'm enjoying it. 

With that in mind, it stands to reason that my little girl, a smaller, paler version of myself should be pink. Of course.

At birth I gave all my kids a colour. I don't know why but I did. Samuel is orange. Vincent is green. Theodore is blue. Eva was and is pink. Nathan, however, is rainbow...and Josie, sweet little Josie, I gave her purple when she first arrived but after Eva died I couldn't stand her being very feminine so I changed her to yellow. But she has always loved purple. I have healed over the years and I can put Josie in a dress, even buy one for her. I can embrace (a little bit) her love of all things frilly and girly without stabs of jealousy sparking through my soul. 

With this baby hopefully arriving in September I have decided to embrace Josie and the colour purple by giving this little joyful blessing the colour yellow. Yellow was also my favourite childhood colour and is such a joyful colour that I feel it also suits the name this little guy will hopefully receive, which means joy or joyful. His full name means 'joyful blessing' and I feel like he really will be that to our family and to me. A joyful blessing indeed.

For the record I don't force those colours on my kids I just let it happen and, as it happens, Vincent doesn't much care for green, gravitating to red instead. Samuel has stayed the course with orange (and sometimes red) while Theodore loves all things blue, especially light blue. We have yet to see for Nathan but he has a whole rainbow of colours to choose from. Josie, as you know, loves purple. 

My sweet.

My sweet, 

I just miss you so much. I love you and my heart yearns for you. I wish you were here cheering on the fire trucks that went past our driveway this afternoon. I wish you were helping with the lemonade stand. I wish you were getting ready for bed and choosing pajamas. Splashing in the tub. Making a mess at supper. Talking too much...

As time has passed, the pain of missing you is less intense than what it was in the early days of breathing without you. But the reality of how much we are missing by not having you is getting more and more clear to me with every day that passes. 

I just miss you baby girl. What else can I say? You are always, always on my mind.

I love you so much. To the moon and back, and beyond.

Mama.

Signs and dreams

One thing I've wished, hoped and prayed for is to have some sign or dream of Eva.

I have received neither except for one dream but she was already dead. So not what I was hoping for at all.

Time and time again my big prayers remain unanswered. It feels like God is purposely silent where and when I need him most.

If you have received a dream or sign from your beloved I would love to hear about it. Please comment.

Much love, Em

Full of joy. Ha.

Several young men in our community have died this past week in motorcycle crashes, car crashes, and off road crashes. I look at my four, hopefully soon to be five, reckless boys and wonder which one(s) will see heaven before me. It feels like the odds are stacked against me that at least one of them will be involved in some sort of fatal crash. Of course, that's if cancer doesn't get them first. Oh yes, I'm full of joy this week.

On baby boys, big Eva, and little Eva.

On this new baby I'm carrying. I have to admit I'm a little resentful he's another boy. And, boy do I feel bad about that. But the truth is usually ugly. So there you have it.

Another part of me completely adores the name I hope Mike agrees to name him with me. The name feels so absolutely just right. It's a name I've loved for years but we just never used it, for one reason or another, for any of our many boys. I've always felt like that name was missing, somehow. And the meaning is perfect and true so it seems right this time, for this boy. But, well, I guess we'll see...


It just feels sometimes like the whole world gets to have their girl, except me. I know that's not true but I never claimed rational thought when it comes to little girls.

I stopped in to visit my mom tonight. She has an elderly neighbour who is named Eva. When our Eva was alive we called them big Eva and little Eva. I have not really spoken to this big Eva since our little Eva died. Tonight she was out in the garden and I spoke to her. But it was hard to look her in the eye and I did not once say her name. It hurts too much. This elderly lady with the same name as my wee baby girl. And I resented her. Resented her for drawing breath at seventy when my little Eva never even saw seven. Resented her for having the name Eva for seventy years longer on earth.

I wonder if big Eva ever remembers the little Eva I used to tote along...

The beginning of the end again...

We went to family camp with our church this year. I kept myself slightly removed but I was there, and that's progress. I guess.

Friday night of family camp I brought Eva to our local hospital. Father's Day 2011 she was airlifted to the Stollery children's hospital.

The weekend wasn't terrible but I am keeping my grief to myself more. I wept during every campfire singing but sat on my cabin step out of sight of peering eyes. I don't need anyone's arms around me. I only need Eva. And nobody can give me that.

But I was still touched by kindnesses shown me during the weekend. People saying they remembered. It means a lot, somehow.

Father's Day was not as bad as it could have been. But I hurt for Mike. I know he longs for his child too. And it's hard to have the day that is the beginning of the end of our time with Eva be on Father's Day. It takes the joy out of it all.

But altogether, there was surprisingly less pain this year than the last two. I always hesitate to write that kind of stuff for fear that some stupid person will think that Eva doesn't matter anymore. Because she does, and, oh what I would give to have her back.

Kids lined up waiting their turn on the sand swing. The first little girl on the left is younger than Eva would be now. Eva should have been keen on the sand swing this year.

Samuel flying through the air on the sand swing.

Samuel turned eight on Saturday June 14th. 

The kids painting fish and lobsters.

Theodore thought it was so cool that his feet fit inside this trunk. He insisted I take his photo.

I painted this on an old picnic table that was already paint splattered while the kids painted their fish. I didn't ask permission and it felt so good to paint this. Painting feels good. Even something simple like this. She is always with us. 

If it happened again...

My friend, Lena, came to visit Eva and I when Eva was in PICU. She said that the more children you have the more chance you have of heartbreak.  At the time I flippantly replied that you also have more chance of having some left.

I had no idea at that time what a huge and gaping wound losing just one of my precious children would feel like.

Sometimes I look at my children that I have left and I wonder which one will get sick and/or die next. I think about the pain and how I will or won't cope. Would it be easier or harder since I have walked this road before?  

Would I keep my mind or would that be what sends me over the edge into insanity?

Daily I struggle to find joy in the simple things of life now. Would I ever find joy again?

I think now I know I would survive because now I know that no matter how much I can will myself to die somehow I just keep breathing.  And that is the crux of it.  Against all will, wishes, desires, prayers, I would continue to live.