Saturday, June 7, 2014

If it happened again...

My friend, Lena, came to visit Eva and I when Eva was in PICU. She said that the more children you have the more chance you have of heartbreak.  At the time I flippantly replied that you also have more chance of having some left.

I had no idea at that time what a huge and gaping wound losing just one of my precious children would feel like.

Sometimes I look at my children that I have left and I wonder which one will get sick and/or die next. I think about the pain and how I will or won't cope. Would it be easier or harder since I have walked this road before?  

Would I keep my mind or would that be what sends me over the edge into insanity?

Daily I struggle to find joy in the simple things of life now. Would I ever find joy again?

I think now I know I would survive because now I know that no matter how much I can will myself to die somehow I just keep breathing.  And that is the crux of it.  Against all will, wishes, desires, prayers, I would continue to live.


  1. Bloody hell - that's a bit cheery.

    Yup - get all of that.. I think before your kids die, you can do that head in the sand tick, where you go "I would die if it happened to me" - we know you wouldn't. It would just hurt. I all honestly I think it would just be the same... 1 year of horrific intense pain...followed by intense hurt... followed by ocassional moments of perkiness... and eventually after 3 or 4 years, you'd be er... back here.

    The thing is - the overwhelming odds are that it won't happen again. I do my best to live in the moment and I know you do too... I suppose the reality is that knowing how awful it is, it is hard not to worry xx

    1. Haha Susan, I wasn't going for cheery. That was yesterday's post. But it's true isn't it...we would survive, and that's probably the worst news of it all.