Monday, February 11, 2013

To plan or not to plan (possible trigger).

I am so thankful that our little baby within is a mover and a shaker. Right when I start to worry a little s/he wriggles or jiggles and lets me know that s/he's okay and alive in there.

I have nothing ready for this baby except a bin of unwashed baby girl stuff and a bin of unwashed baby boy stuff. The crib that all our children (except little J, who came with her own) have used has not ever been taken apart and put away since our oldest son, Samuel, was in it.

When Eva died we could not bear to take her bed apart and put her stuff away. Gradually the crib moved from her room that she shared with little J to our bedroom where we displayed photos and kept some of her stuff. When that woman came over from our church to tell me about how her brother kept her nephew's ashes on the mantle and the family talked about him too much and how I was prickly and unpleasant and how my grieving heart gave me no call to be that way...she was sitting right next to Eva's ashes that are on our bookshelf. But I did have a little thought to myself that it sure was a good thing she never came into our bedroom, and saw Eva's crib with all her stuff in it. Probably would have thought we had a shrine to our daughter...I digress.

Anyway, the crib has never been taken apart and just moved from baby to baby. We could not bear to take it apart when Eva died and then when we were hoping for another baby it became a symbol of hope to us. That another baby would one day use that crib again...and then when we were feeling so hopeless and just about ready to take it down we got a positive test that showed we did have hope.  And so we left it up. But it's still full of Eva's things.

I need to go through her stuff and put it in mouse-proof bins (I wish I had a beautiful cedar chest). But the weeks drag on and so do I. I sometimes wonder if this baby will come and there will be nothing ready. No crib, no diapers, no clean outfits, no shelf in our closet emptied off for tiny baby clothes, no birth plan (although, barring an emergency, I know what I want and, more importantly, what I don't want). The time is trucking along and I do nothing to prepare for baby. I don't know if it's a blockage or if I'm just lazy but I just can't seem to get myself together to get ready.

I hope more than anything this baby is just born alive and, really, who cares if we're ready or not but I have always liked to have things ready for a new baby and this is just not like the me I used to be. Always having everything planned...but there are so many parts of me that are not like the me I used to be...should I really be surprised?

8 comments:

  1. We have nothing ready either. We still have an infant carseat, but nowhere for this little guy to sleep, nothing for him to wear (well, almost nothing), no nursing pillow, no diapers. And I think the extent of our preparation will be to clear a little space in our room and to write a shopping list for my parents to take care of while we are in the hospital recovering from c-section. I just can't bring myself to get things ready for him. I can't believe he will come home; I can't see into May at all. So we'll have our list and we'll deal with everything after he's here. Sometimes I feel sad about this, about missing the joy and excitement of getting things ready but...everything is different this time around, isn't it?

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    1. Yup. Everything is different. Very different.

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  2. Exactly. Of course you're not the you you used to be. And you've done this more than once. You know what is necessary and what isn't. This baby will come and everything will come together as it needs to when it needs to.

    I love the idea of Eva's crib in your room with you, still full of her things. Full of a new baby brother or sister soon?

    <3

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    1. Thanks Suzanne. Eva's crib has been a comfort to us in the past year+ but we are also looking forward to using it again for her sibling. And to do that, I need to deal. Deal with her stuff. Deal with my emotions. Deal with my love for this daughter of mine I love so very, very much. Just deal.

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  3. I totally get why you would not want to plan too much and I have never lost a child...
    It really puzzles me how many people can be so insensitive to your loss when they have not travelled that road. I loved seeing Eva's things when I was there...
    And I am sure you will feel the need to prepare, as your time is nearing to give birth:)
    Enjoy those baby wiggles...they are wonderful:)

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    1. Heidi, It was a long time ago that this happened with the woman from our church. Over a year ago. A lifetime ago. Long enough ago that it almost doesn't matter anymore, except that it does.
      I was glad to share Eva's things with you when you were here. It's a joy to share her with those who truly want to see.

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  4. Do you wait to find out the sex till they come out? We did as well :) three girls. With them being so little they don't have that much stuff so I kept everything. Couldn't bear to part with socks even. I thought I'd have a hard time with Mandy wearing her stuff but I love it and I will be so sad when her stuff is no more

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  5. My babies sleep with me so i didn't have a room to memorialize which always made me sad. A few toys a few clothes so little is I have.

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