Sunday, October 14, 2012


In the days leading up to my children's birthdays I always seem to reflect on the days leading up to their actual births.  I remember how heavy I felt and how I eagerly anticipated meeting my child.

Today is the day before Eva's birthday and I do the same with her. She was 12 days late and kept us all waiting on our little princess.  I would have been induced on the Saturday but she came of her own accord on Friday.

Today I went shopping by myself. I bought a little growing up girl for her. I can't believe this is the second one I've bought. I can't believe that this is the second birthday we will be celebrating without her. 

I also bought an angel food cake. This is just what I happened to buy, in the deliriousness of last year, but angel food cake seems appropriate for our precious girl in Heaven. And as I walked out of the same store as I walked out of last year holding this angel food cake for my dead girl. I put it in the truck and I broke down sobbing. How I wish that instead of buying angel food cake I was working on a homemade cake for her. A flower or a butterfly or a ladybug or whatever. Something colourful and fun for my little two year old.

Instead I am buying angel food cake.

I wanted to have presents at her party too and there are only so many presents you can buy a child who doesn't need or want anything at all.  So I bought stuff for the boys and sunflower hairclips for little J. I took so long deciding what small thing to get them all because my eyes kept going over to the girly toys I wished I was perusing instead, in anticipation of Eva's birthday. 

I also had one large regret over something I never bought for Eva when she was a newborn. And, so, because she never grows, I've decided to get her one for her second birthday but also as a newborn gift. Strange I know. But, trust me, nothing is stranger than birthday shopping for your dead child. And because birthdays need surprises I won't be telling you what it is I bought for my little princess (and me, really) for the celebration of her birthday tomorrow.


  1. Happy birthday dear little Eva...

  2. You and Eva are often in my thoughts, Em. I'm so, so sorry she isn't here to celebrate with you.

    Happy birthday, Eva love. <3

  3. Thinking of Eva on her birthday today.

    It is not how it should be. Xx

    I have found myself buying things for Catherine too xx I think your brain is programmed to bring up a child, and it can never fully accept that they died, and they don't need anything.


  4. Happy 2nd Birthday Eva...I can't wait to hear what your mom bought for the surprise...praying for your mom lots this weekend:)

  5. Happy birthday Eva! Remembering her with you today Em.

  6. Remembering and wishing sweet Eva a happy birthday. And for you Em, may it be a peaceful day adorned with joy. ~Renee

  7. Oh, oh, Em. Birthdays without her. I'm so sorry. I wish Eva were here today to be surprised and celebrated. Sending huge hugs and remembering Eva.

  8. I came by here today to remember Eva and let you know once again I love you and am praying for you, Mike, the boys and little J.