Friday, March 16, 2012

Bereaved parents wishlist...

I didn't write this post so I can't take the credit. If you do know who wrote it please let me know. I changed he to she to make it more personal for me and not everything is my wishlist but the bulk of it is very accurate for very many and I didn't want to change it. I am safe to say though that #1 on the list is #1 on every single bereaved parents wish list.

Bereaved Parents Wish List
1. I wish my child hadn't died. I wish I had her back.

2. I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that she was important to you also.

3. If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. My child's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.

4. I wish you wouldn't "kill" my child again by removing her pictures, artwork, or other remembrances from your home.

5. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.

6. I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but, I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child, my favorite topic of the day.

7. I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my child's death pains you, too. I wish you would let me know those things through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug.

8. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. These first months are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die.

9. I am working very hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child, and I will always grieve that she is dead.

10. I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy." Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself.

11. I don't want to have a "pity party," but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.

12. I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.

13. When I say "I'm doing okay," I wish you could understand that I don't "feel" okay and that I struggle daily.

14. I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.

15. Your advice to "take one day at a time" is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time.

16. Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone.

17. I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with him. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again.

18. I wish very much that you could understand; understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. BUT I pray daily that you will never understand.         


  1. I first saw this on the MISS Foundation web site, but I am so glad that you shared it on your blog. It is so true... I have thought about posting it on my Facebook page, but have not had the courage to do that yet.

    1. That's actually where I found it too. I felt a little odd sharing it but I think it's really good. It's easier to share on a blog than on facebook.

  2. I found this same list & had to posted it to. No idea who to give credit to but I know it speaks almost directly from the heart of most baby loss moms I have come to know.

  3. Thank you for posting this, Em. I relate to all of those things.

    In regards to sharing this on Facebook, I think if I did, I would get crickets. Facebook seems to me to be more about putting on a shiny, happy face than about being authentic. I've shared a few things since Molly died, and most of the time, my posts get ignored.

  4. I also have read this before but don't know where it originated. So many true statements, I wish people around bereaved parents where required to read this.

  5. Do not feel odd posting is helpful for those of us who
    don't understand. Thanks for giving me something to think about and pray