I am so angry. I know that anger stems from hurt and I know from whence the hurt comes. I hate that people have to be careful around me and I hate when they aren't careful and say stupid stuff. I am trying, trying, trying to grow from losing Eva but it seems that everywhere I turn I am not good enough for somebody. Why I care is beyond me, but there you go, I do care. But, and this is a big but...I have grown more in my relationship with the Lord in the last 6 months than I did the whole of my walk with Jesus before losing Eva...I have learned to place my trust in Him and Him alone and He holds me in the palm of His hand no matter where I am.
I went to church on Sunday and before I left I took 2 books out from our church library. One is Where is God When it Hurts by Philip Yancey. I am not really in that space...I know that God is here with me and He knows the tears I cry...the day is coming when every tear will be wiped away, and in that hope I live and put my trust. I also took another book out that I am reading now it is 'The Heavenly Man: The remarkable true story of Chinese Christian Brother Yun. The faith of this man is truly inspiring in the face of torture, imprisonment, starvation and so many more hardships that you or I cannot even possibly imagine. It has helped me to get outside of myself and look at the sufferings of others and to let the Lord grow me through this trial knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not dissapoint because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us (Romans 5:3-5). I am learning to lean on the Lord through it all, even in this incomprehensibly hard heartache and hurt and anger.
Still, I am human and I am angry and hurt and it is easy to talk the talk about leaning on the Lord it but it is harder to really live it. I still find myself sucker-punched by people who I had trusted with my grief. Through it all I am learning and growing as I walk on this long, difficult, lonely road...and, yes, there are fellow travellers on the road of grief but they bear their own burdens and while we may wave to each other along the way, each must walk their journey alone. That said, I often think about that footprints poem and where there is only one set of footprints that is when Jesus is carrying me. He must be carrying me now because there is no way I could be making it on my own during these dark, dark days.
This has been a rather rambling post but it is where I am at right now: trusting in my Saviour, hurt by people, angry at so much, living in faith that the days will get brighter somehow....though I can scarcely see it now.